Ride the fucking wagon into the hills around Belliard. Find a ravine, with a bunch of crystals. We are all a bunch of ignoramuses and it takes us 2-3 hours to figure out we are in the fucking ambush site we’ve been looking for.
See tracks – giants go one direction, regulars go other direction. We follow that regular army shit, fuck giants, they’re loco. Follow until river, do some detectiving, and Pirate bitch finds some stairs.
Stairs lead up to dwarven shrine, Dwarf boy opens a hidden door and we go in. Fuck it, Forward or death.
Start cruising down some dwarven tunnels, dwarf in front to warn and see shit.
Crazy fucking trap gets set off by dipshit dwarf. Half the party gets reamed due to typical dwarven ineptitude. Dickbag dwarf is a supposed cleric, offers to heal NO ONE HE JUST FUCKED. Only other party healer uses up 75% of heals to fix dwarf fuck up. (This will play later, folks. It’s called foreshadowing.)
Bunch of assholes show up, we say, Fuck that, we are in their house, let’s kill these fuckers and steal their shit. Because we’re lawful good. Shove it, Mormons. Except bard bitch, who tries to suck up to them. I swear, that bard should be named Vichy for as fast as he collaborates.
Anyways, we get into battle. We control the battlefield with some webs and forcefields, except some crazy invisible assassin who ignores all spells and rules (Chaos master, that guy!!)
Snipe and plink away, and use combo tactics to immobilize giant bluefreak (singer and pirate combo tactic) Sorcerer, Ranger and Midget snipe away, making everyone low energy. Pirate boy starts climbing walls, sniping away, we’re doing better than we should be, and then WHAM! Chaos master invisible guy takes cleric down to half past dead. Fuck, there goes our healer. We potshot that guy and weaken him. Pirate uses last healing power to wake up dwarf boy.
We are down to just a few left, they are all weakened, and this is where it all goes to shit. Halfbreed orcerer miscasts Magic Missile (seriously, how do you jack up Magic Missile?) and suddenly, deathly assassin, and all of us turn invisible. WTF? Dwarf runs and hides while we continue to fight. We turn attentions to everyone else, and sneak up near them. Pirate makes sneak attack, and impales himself with his stick, gets promptly knocked senseless, almost dies but saved through his love of bard music.
Ranger and bard pick off some more guards, the halfbreed sorcerer turns himself into a potted plant somehow. (WTF is wrong with this idiot?) Pirate gets up, drinks some healing juice and starts to shoot his little purple laser thingy at the guards, but must still be dazed, because he can’t hit shit, but bard and ranger are kicking ass. Sorcerer is wilting in the stairwell. Tide is turning in our favor, we’re WINNING!!!
BAM! Holy backstab, Batman, remember that asshole who cracked open the skull of the dwarf earlier? Yeah, he reappears, and slits the throat of the ranger while he is doing archery shit. Uncool. He’s dead dead. Holy shit, we’re fukt! Bard sees this, and cries out in anger, and does some magic shit. Next thing I know, the jackhole who killed my friend starts screaming in pain, and his armor starts glowing orange, like it’s heating up. He starts running. Pirate and dwarf start chasing that asshole. He’s not getting away. The potted plant and bard clean up the remaining guards, who start blubbering like the little bitches they are.
Pirate and dwarf potshot the assassin, and chase him until he dies, sizzling like a piece of bacon in the frying pan. Actually smells kind of good – we might be having dwarf steak for dinner, boys!
Search these fuckers for loot, and we find some serious shit! We’re rich mofos now!!!
The captured guards claim they are just sellsword mercs, and don’t know anything. All they know is ‘Grumink hired us.’
What we need to do:
Level up! (Poland STRONK!)
Bury our ranger friend (after taking all his stuff, duh!)
Search the room the invisible prick was running towards.
Interrogate the sellswords, find out who the fuck this ‘Grumink’ is. Ask them about the goggle people.
So we bury our dead. Gather up some sweet loot. Interrogate the mercs. They’ve been doing some slavery. BAD! Use some threats to scare them straight.
Find a room full of dead dwarves. These mercs killed off all the clergy manning the shrine. Not cool. One dude is shackled to the weall in a whole shit ton of chains. Dwarf, smells bad. Worse than a regular dwarf. Like a lot worse. Crazy dwarf claims he’s a “bear.” Whatever, dude is crazy, but seems like he’d be interesting to have around in a fight. Other than the stink, he’s relatively cool.
Find that local merchants have been doing forced labor to build a tunnel to old Dwarven city. That’s fucking weird. Whatever, we don’t care, move along. Save them, imprison 4 baddies. Take them to Belliard for justice. Get paid sweet, sweet coin. Party like it’s 1999. Spend like we’re a Kardashian. Get a sweet, sweet warhorse. Yeah, I own a warhorse. What you got, peasant? Halfbreed sorcerer buys a fucking racehorse, because, well, he’s a sorcerer, and they aren’t exactly known for their practibility.
Get drunk, buy a bunch of magic scrolls. I don’t know why. But fuck it, we have magic scrolls!!! Do you? I thought not, bitches.
Sleeping off the drunk. Get woken by screams and tumult in the town square. Lady Stormbanner is back, telling tales of woe and destruction. Some terrorist assholes pulled a 9/11 on their keep. Big fire explosion. Probably same assholes who killed the caravan.
Anyways, we send the prisoners (former mercs) with her to clean up the ruins of Summit Hall. (We don’t do manual labor. We’re not serfs.)
We look at map. We really want to check out this Red Larch dwarven journal thingy. So, we start heading that way. Cruising along, listening to bearboy dwarf wax melodic about some cult called the Circle of the Scarlet Moon. Supposedly they are doing magic nature shit to “cleanse the valley.” Of what, he couldn’t tell, but it’s some weird nature cult. I say fuck that shit, but hey, who knows what floats Bearboys boat?