[–] Irishgreen 5 points 86 points (+91|-5) ago 

Grieving the death of a loved one is an individual process. Some caregivers initially feel numb and disoriented, then endure pangs of yearning for the person who has died. Others feel anxious and have trouble sleeping, perhaps dwelling on old arguments or words they wish they had expressed. Sudden outbursts of tears are common in grief, triggered by memories or reminders of the loved one. Even those who are confident that their loved one is with the Lord struggle with sadness over their loss. Not all people grieve the same way or for the same length of time, but dealing with grief is essential in order to come to terms with the loss of your loved one and move on with your life. To do that, you need to be honest in your grieving and ask God the tough questions that help us mature (Read Lamentations 3).

Bereavement Differs The circumstances of your elder's death can affect your grief. If a loved one suffered with a long illness, death is often considered a blessing. For the families of Alzheimer's patients, mourning begins with the onset of the disease, long before death occurs. Because of the time spent in anticipating death, this kind of bereavement differs from the intense grief over someone who dies following a brief illness, surgery or accident.

Over time, the intensity of your grief will likely subside, but do not try to rush the grieving process. And do not expect your feelings and emotions to be like anyone else's. God made you unique, and your grieving process will be a personal journey. But keep in mind that the weight of grief is lighter when shared. Support from others can help you to handle the aftermath of your loss. God also offers comfort in times of bereavement. Jesus said, "I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you" (John 14:18 KJV).

Coping After the Funeral When the funeral is a memory and your relatives and friends have returned to their busy lives, you may wonder how you are going to cope. If grief threatens to overwhelm you, try saying with the psalmist, "My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to your word" (Psalm 119:28 NIV). Cling to God's promises as you work through your grief. "He gives power to the weak, and to those who have no might He increases strength" (Isaiah 40:29 NKJV).

But how does a person "get over" the death of a loved one? How long after a loss should one still be grieving? It is generally agreed that there are four "tasks of mourning" every bereaved person must accomplish to be able to effectively deal with the death of a loved one:

Accept the reality of the loss. Experience the pain of grief. Adjust to an environment in which the deceased is missing. Take the emotional energy you would have spent on the one who died and reinvest it in another relationship. 1

Accepting the Loss The first task, accepting the reality of the loss, involves overcoming the natural denial response and realizing that the person is physically dead. This can be facilitated by viewing the body after death, attending funeral and burial services, and visiting the place where the body is laid to rest. In addition, talking about the deceased person or the circumstances surrounding the death can be very helpful.

It is necessary to grieve the physical finality of losing a loved one and come to grips with the fact that you will not see that person again in this life. But the spiritual life goes on. If your loved one was a professing Christian, not only will you see him again in the life to come, but he is now in an immeasurably better place — in the Lord's presence, with no more pain or fear or sorrow. This is true for all who die in the Lord. "'And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away.' Then He who sat on the throne said, 'Behold, I make all things new'" (Rev. 21:4-5 NKJV). Therefore, we mourn for ourselves, not for our Christian loved ones. They are where we yearn to be.

Experience the Pain The second task, experiencing the pain of grief, also confronts the denial that is so common in grieving persons. Many people try to avoid pain by bottling up their emotions or rejecting the feelings they are having. They may avoid places and circumstances that remind them of their loved one. They may try to take shortcuts through the grieving process, not admitting to the feelings of anger or denial that usually exist. However, the only way to move through grief is to move through it. It is impossible to escape the pain associated with mourning. The person who avoids grieving will eventually suffer from some form of depression, or even physical problems. Fully experiencing the pain — most often through tears — provides relief. Jesus wept over the loss of His friend Lazarus, even though He knew He was about to raise him from the dead; we, too, have permission to weep.

We all experience pain in this life, and the only thing worse than the pain of losing a loved one is the pain of never loving or being loved in the first place. In a way, the pain of grief is a gift to us because it is evidence of the presence of love.

Adjusting The third task, adjusting to an environment in which the deceased is missing, requires the grieving individual to assume some of the social roles performed by the deceased, or to find others who will. For example, a grieving spouse may need help with household chores and cooking. Someone who never learned to drive must either learn how to drive or find other forms of transportation. The alternative is social withdrawal and sitting home alone. A person who dreads coming home to an empty house may find comfort in adopting a friendly pet.

The final task is taking the emotional energy you would have spent on the one who died and reinvesting it in another relationship or relationships. Many people feel disloyal or unfaithful if they withdraw emotionally from their deceased loved one. But the goal is not to forget the person who has died; it is to finally reach the point where you can remember your loved one without experiencing disabling grief.

Some find it impossible to invest in new relationships because they are unwilling to take the risk of feeling another loss. Others were so immersed in caregiving that, now that their loved one has died, they are not sure what to do. Still, investing time in friendships is important for many reasons. Old friends can reminisce about your loved one and also give you encouragement and permission to rebuild your life. New friendships allow you to being again as a person with a future — not just a widow, widower or survivor. For some, getting involved in a volunteer ministry provides structure, a sense of purpose and built-in companionship. Others swap phone numbers with new friends from grief-recovery groups.

Do not feel like you have to hurry to this stage. If attending a lighthearted party seems incongruous with your current state of mind, perhaps having coffee and conversation with a good friend would be a refreshing change of pace. Many surviving spouses enjoy focusing more time and energy on children, grandchildren and great grandchildren.

Do not rush into making major decisions or changes that could add stress to your life. Give yourself time and space to grieve. If at all possible, do not move for at least one year. You might benefit from setting aside an hour every day or two to "work" on grieving, especially if your loved one's death was recent. To do this, turn to caring family members or friends for support. Read a good devotional book, such as Streams in the Desert by L.B. Cowman (Zondervan 1997) or Quiet Moments for Caregivers by Betty Free (Tyndale 2002). You may also want to look in a Bible concordance for words like comfort or hope. As you look up the verses, meditate on each one and record it in a prayer journal. Allow God's healing words to sink in. Psalm 94:19 says, "In the multitude of my anxieties within me, your comforts delight my soul" (NKJV).

[–] BoyBlue 2 points 6 points (+8|-2) ago 

What a load of horseshit! Was caregiver to both parents, mother-inlaw, sister-inlaw. Somehow god elected me to be the last person they see. Now, my fucking golden retriever can't walk anymore and I carry him outside to piss and shit. I am covered in shit and piss

[–] middle_path 0 points 0 points (+0|-0) ago 

How old is the golden? I had to put mine down for the same reason. Hardest thing I've had to face to date.

[–] DishingShitLikeA 2 points 6 points (+8|-2) ago 

You just made a grown man cry.

[–] StatusQuip 0 points 5 points (+5|-0) ago 

[–] ExpertShitposter 0 points 3 points (+3|-0) ago 

This was too long so i didn't read it.

[–] R34p_Th3_Wh0r1w1nd 0 points 27 points (+27|-0) ago 

You're in the same boat I am goat. My old lady of 16 years passed in April of a heart attack. People say I'm sorry for your loss but they could give a shit less. I hate fake fucks.

I go to my girls grave 2 or 3 times a week, play music and visit with her. The darkness of despair is relentless. I totally agree, happiness is distant memory.

Now, that everything good has been squashed out of my life. I almost feel sorry for the next piece of shit too cross me, because there is nothing chaining me down.

[–] midnightblue1335 1 points 31 points (+32|-1) ago 

People say I'm sorry for your loss but they could give a shit less.

I will never understand why people are offended by this. What the fuck do you want someone to say to you when they found out you just lost someone? "Haha! She's dead! Fuck you, faggot, lol!" Would that be better?

They're trying to be polite to you. They don't know what the fuck to say, so in an attempt to make you feel less alone they simply let you know "Hey, I'm sorry that you have to go through that". Most of the time, they've gone through something VERY similar to what you are. They know that the "sorry for your loss" doesn't help much, but they do it anyway- because it's the right thing to do.

[–] worthlesshope 0 points 3 points (+3|-0) ago  (edited ago)

I'll try to explain and hopefully you'll understand.. I lost my dad.. I met many people who expressed their "empathy" in different ways. A few made me genuinely happy, it felt like they understood. A few I could just feel how fake the words are, and a few just pissed me off of varying degrees that I wish I could torture them till they could understand similar feelings.

The genuine ones were all kinda similar, some were acquaintances, good family friends, and even strangers who I never met before. They all said or expressed something like: "It's difficult I know, nothing will be the same" and they attempted in their own way to comfort me, usually a hug, some cried for me/dad, sometimes they just gave advice from the heart since they experienced similar loss. But in these few cases I could feel their good intentions.

The ones who say empty words made me angry, some of this was done by family, they felt like they cared more about themselves than about my father. They made tasteless jokes such as "well the only good thing about the hospital is they got rid of my in-laws" said by my mom's brother. Sometimes they got angry at me for being sad even though it's been less than a year "How long will you be sad for?! 10 years?!" Others liked to say "Well my parents died a couple years ago and I got over it soon after" my response to that was "but you're 30 years older than me, and you had your own support system of a husband and children to focus on and help you through it, I'm still young, single, and have my whole life I have to live through this"

Then there were those who felt like they just forgot, it's slightly selfish of me and I don't need them to actually acknowledge it daily. But it would be nice if we got equal treatment of remembrance to other people who experienced similar loss, like honorary mention in the weekly service like others get instead of total disappearance of any mention a month later.. or maybe some flowers every so often..My dad gave his heart and soul to these people freely, he did so much for them only to be forgotten so quickly..

It's like knowing a group of people for several years in school and staying only acquaintances despite wanting to be friends with them, then a transfer student comes in and becomes best buds with people you thought were friends as if he knew them longer than you. Or it's like being denied a job or college entrance because of affirmative action or diversity hire.

Sorry for the TL;DR hopefully someone gets some meaning from this.

[–] Tallest_Skil 0 points 0 points (+0|-0) ago 

I will never understand why people are offended by this.

Sounds like your problem.

What the fuck do you want someone to say to you when they found out you just lost someone?

“I neither know nor care.”

They're trying to be polite to you.

They’re bad at it.

They don't know what the fuck to say, so…

...why not say nothing, then?

They know that the "sorry for your loss" doesn't help much

If they knew that, they wouldn’t say it.

because it's the right thing to do.

Literally not.

[–] ArousedYeti 0 points 0 points (+0|-0) ago  (edited ago)

Maybe people should laugh at this bitter faggot.

Life sucks sometimes, get over yourself. Do you really think shitting on the rest of the world is doing you any good? Take a deep breath and find it in your broken heart to be kind and peaceful with others, and you will get the same in return.

[–] Hey_Sunshine 3 points -3 points (+0|-3) ago 

I never got angry whenever someone would tell me they were 'sorry' about hearing about my folks untimely passing, but surely you gotta admit that it's a really weird thing to say to someone going through some shit.

For what reason is there to apologize? You didn't kill them.

I get it...sometimes, a person will hit you with a big bag of bad news and you'll be speechless. 'I'm sorry' is the first thing that comes to mind... but you're not really sorry.

Isn't it easier to be honest?

Just say, "I'm saddened by your loss" or "that's tragic AF, fam"

Saying your sorry for something you didn't do just comes across as...hollow. idk

[–] Ina_Pickle 0 points 4 points (+4|-0) ago 

Well, I am sorry for your loss. If I knew you in real life I would probably bake you some cookies. But you must know that no one can shoulder your grief for you no matter how much they hate to see you hurting. All they can do is let you know they are beside you and ready to help if you need it.

[–] ForgotMyName 0 points 2 points (+2|-0) ago 

The darkness of despair is relentless.

Yes. It is. You have to find ways to escape, but for a moment, so that you survive long enough to actually grieve and heal.

It sounds shitty, and things will never be the same, but IME, the only thing that will change that is pouring yourself into another something that involves people - a relationship, mentoring, whatever. Get yourself help goat. Obviously it's too soon for a relationship. So find people somewhere - church, knitting group, bowling, whatever, and realize that life will never be what it was, but it can still be good.

Now, that everything good has been squashed out of my life. I almost feel sorry for the next piece of shit too cross me, because there is nothing chaining me down.

I know. God, I do. But, ask yourself, is that what she would have wanted for you? Is it what you would have wanted for her if you'd gone first? Find an outlet. Martial arts, the gym, whatever. You gotta burn some of that off or you'll go crazy. (I know.)

Take care friend; it's neither a short nor an easy road. But you can make it. Life can be good again.

[–] Artofchoke 1 points 1 points (+2|-1) ago 

I'm so goddamn sorry, Sir. Have you thought about taking in a homeless animal in her honor?

[–] SOULESS 0 points 23 points (+23|-0) ago 

First off, cry. Crying reduces stress. Lock yourself in your room for 12 hours and just let it all out until your eyes sting. It may sound stupid, but after sleeping and recovering a bit you'll actually feel a little less stressed and overwhelmed.

Second off, you just lost a huge social foundation. Reach out to family and friends. Let them know you're hurting. It's their turn to step up and be a good sympathetic person. They'll put effort into visiting your house for dinners, going for walks in the park with you, and keeping you company while you get over the harshest part of your recovery. Its incredibly important to reach out and ask for this help and company when you need it. Otherwise they might not know.

Every human needs those two things, but from there on out recovery depends on your personality type. I would suggest searching for support groups for losing a loved one. There you can share your story and hear other people, and learn how they are/had to cope with their situation.

My best friend died when I was 19. I coped by putting my life on pause and locking myself in my room. The texts on my phone of people asking me what happened scared me so I tried to isolate. Reality came when her mom knocked on my front door. We both balled our eyes out cause we didn't know what else to do. Me and her mom ended up hanging out often, cooking together and going out for lunches or picnics. It relally, really helped having someone to talk to about it all. At first it was super hard. When she first came to my doorstep I don't think I said a single word. But after hanging out a few times it got easier and easier, and eventually we even started to joke about her daughter together, laughing about stuff she would have done it she were still with us.

So think about reaching out to your SO's family and friends as well. You might not know them well at all, but you both share a lot in common since you both knew her.

[–] AmaleksHairyAss 0 points 4 points (+4|-0) ago 

Lock yourself in your room for 12 hours

I disagree with this part. If you have a friend, ask that person to stay with you for that time while you grieve.

[–] SOULESS 0 points 1 points (+1|-0) ago 

I suppose it depends on the person. Some prefer to suffer alone and it stresses them out more when people see them vulnerable. Some feel much better opening up and crying to others.

I generally prefer to suffer alone and regain my composure before having company.

[–] Maroonsaint 2 points -1 points (+1|-2) ago 

How about lock your friend in your room for 12 hours and make them listen to your bullshit

[–] SquarebobSpongebutt 0 points 14 points (+14|-0) ago 

I am very sorry to hear of your loss. I have no help for you now but maybe for later. Life is for the living. She would not want you to live emptily for the rest of yours. One day you can be happy again, once you are done grieving for her as you feel appropriate. Until you are ready make sure you find those people who are closer to you to really help you.

[–] UrCoolerOlderBrother 1 points 9 points (+10|-1) ago 

I can tell you what you don't do.. drugs. Don't escape into drink or drugs. That will only prolong the suffering. You have to deal with it. That doesn't mean you have to dwell or think of it all the time, just that you can't mask your feelings with something else and expect anything good to happen. Time heals everything. Try to make yourself do things and distract yourself if possible. It will be hard at first, but as time goes on and as you put more distance between the event an your current self things will get easier. Good luck my friend. I have lost people close to me and it's never easy. You just can't let it consume you. We are all alone in this world. As morbid as that may sound it is the truth. We all come and go alone. So you just have to keep on keeping on and keep on living. Love you bro. good luck in your life.

[–] ForgotMyName 0 points 1 points (+1|-0) ago 

Wise words. This shit is already absolutely brutal. Adding in anything else that will alter your personality or brain chemistry will only make it worse. Don't get wasted and make your life even worse (yes, that's possible).

[–] RoBatten 0 points 1 points (+1|-0) ago 

Very important! It's so easy to slip into . . .

[–] Maroonsaint 0 points 0 points (+0|-0) ago 

Time heals everything cause you die eventually. Great! That’s what you have to look forward to, it’s the only guaranteed thing in life.

[–] TheAmerican 0 points 8 points (+8|-0) ago 

As bad as it sounds this opens up all kinds of possibilities for you. Do what she would want you to do, move on enjoy life have some fun. Be tough in your mind and accept the fact that people die and it can happen anytime to anyone. I lost a fiance 6 years ago and the only thing that helps is giving it time, accepting the reality of life and staying positive. I know how you feel but you'll be fine. It will probably help you to set some goals and work towards them keep your mind occupied.

[–] ThoseFeels 0 points 6 points (+6|-0) ago  (edited ago)


Never tell yourself or let others tell you that you should accomplish your grieving within a certain window. You're going to grieve, at some level, forever ... this is par for the course in this weird drama of life.

Allow yourself to feel pain and sadness. Don't fight it. Feel it and allow it to pass through you, feeling everything that arises to feel -no matter how despairing or strangely optimist, and you will heal better because of this honesty with yourself and your emotions.

Bottom line: Don't box up your emotions and look for ways not to deal with her passing or an unhealthy, knotted up mind and body will develop over the years of your life. Instead...cry.....cry now and tomorrow and the day after and cry until you physically can not cry anymore....and then....very slowly, but eventually a keyhole of light will begin to grow in the heart of darkness.

Use this unmatched emotional wellspring created by your SO's passing to push you forward. Feel and do. Your emotions are permission to take deep inventory of your life and to decide how you're going to push forward.

Maybe it's time to do what you always dreamt of doing, either thing you dreamed of doing before you met your love or the thing the you two sometimes talk about doing together. If you felt the truest love, your wife's soul and memory should be inspiration for how you succeed in your journey. She's always going to be a part of you and your life, so do your very best to keep her comfortable in the essence of your character. In otherwords....remember her well, and make a promise to her that you're going to live on long and hard enough to someday find the mysterious beauty of her absence.

I'm sorry man. Blessings to your path.

[–] ForgotMyName 0 points 2 points (+2|-0) ago 

For real, fuck anyone that asks you shit like, "how long did it take to get over your ___ dying?" or "Aren't you over that yet?"

If I could give you more than 1 upvote, I would.

[–] elitch2 0 points 6 points (+6|-0) ago 

Your life has been shattered.

I don't know what I would do if my wife died suddenly. My first thought would be to my children.

You didn't mention children, so I assume you don't have any...

Shit, dude. Sorry for your loss.

[–] 00001000001100110101 [S] 0 points 1 points (+1|-0) ago 

No children luckily, i think that would just add even more to the trauma

[–] elitch2 0 points 1 points (+1|-0) ago 

My thought would be to the opposite. If my wife were to die, I still have my sons.

It's fucking horrific, mate. Stay strong.

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