[–] voats4goats 0 points 14 points (+14|-0) ago 

You sound like a mythical Unicorn. If you are true in what you say, you should have no trouble finding someone.

But I live in a pretty liberal state and guys seem to want to move faster than that

Sounds like you need a change of venue and get yourself a country boy conservative.

[–] SOULESS [S] 0 points 4 points (+4|-0) ago 

I've considered packing up and getting in my car with my dog and driving to a more conservative state often. But the idea of being jobless and homeless is really terrifying to me.

That, and I dunno anything about other states and where I would go. I'm not well traveled in the slightest.

[–] voats4goats 0 points 6 points (+6|-0) ago 

If you need a starting point, I would probably suggest Chattanooga Tennessee. Low unemployment, state in general is quite religious overall which should hopefully translate to a more moral man willing to wait

[–] crazyjuan 0 points 7 points (+7|-0) ago 

I'm being 100% serious when I say that you need to find a job (not necessarily the best job) in a conservative state, and go to a reasonable church to meet guys.

The expectations there will be different. Most guys will try to initiate some sort of sexual contact early on (kissing, suggestive touching) as that is what the culture has determined to be normal. In a church the expectations are different, in that it is normal to have girls want to wait until marriage, and the guys are willing to sacrifice that for the sake of landing a quality girl.

[–] TeranNotTerran 1 points 7 points (+8|-1) ago 

Any insight on how to know what your "type" is? I am having issues knowing what personality traits to look for.

Types are vastly overrated, as is romantic love and chemistry.

Before finding someone, you should figure out what your purpose in life is. Whether that purpose is ending government or being a homemaker, your purpose is something you pick and is what defines everything else in your life.

A degree of compatibility is essential. But even perfect chemistry can fail. Relationships only work through effort, time, and struggle. You may find someone who it "feels" perfect with and who gives up a few years in. You may also find someone who it "feels okay" with, who makes it work, who you learn in grow with, and you fall in love with much further on down the road.

Romantic chemistry is nothing more than intellectual and chemical bonds. They don't define dedication and what makes a lasting relationship.

That said, one rule of thumb is if you could see that person as a close friend if you weren't dating. If not, may not be a good choice.

Any idea how to filter through guys who will waste my time and are more sexually focused as oppose to looking for a partner?

This may never be perfect. Men have to filter through women and it takes time and practice. Look for a good man who's confident and honest. One who isn't mean to you but isn't overly nice, either. Maybe sweet, but willing to put himself on the line to tell you the truth.

One person told me not to tell men straight up that I'm a virgin and want to wait until marriage. They told me third date.

I would say no later than the third date. But playing games with men is just as bad as men playing games with you. Tell it straight. And be honest before being tactful.

As for virginity, my personal conclusion is that I'd consider waiting for a virgin but not for a woman who's no longer a virgin. I think this is fair and men who are familiar with relationship survival statistics should be open to it as well.

What are appropriate dates?

Public places. Don't drink. It sounds like you aren't getting comfortable around any of these men because they aren't worth being comfortable around. When you find a good one and feel comfortable and trustworthy, then anything can be an appropriate date within reason if you are both respecting your boundaries. Good dates are things that are new to both of you. Well no, a mix. You want to have dates that are your strengths and that are his strengths, and that are neither of your strengths. Dates are tests to see how you get along. They should be a little fun, but overall revealing.

How quickly does the average guy usually make a move?

Why do you care about the average guy? Are you an average girl? From what you've told me, you're not.

Would it be awkward if I straight asked them to let me set the pace and make the moves when I want?

This is a bit of a kick in the nuts for a man's masculinity. If the man is worth his weight in salt, you can tell him your concerns, he can tell you yours, and you can sort it our together. This sounds like you are leading the relationship which is probably not something either of you will want. If he's decent, he can be patient, push a little when it seems worth while, and not push when you say you're not ready. You both can figure that out without you putting up huge walls or without him feeling like he's calling none of the shots.

Any general advice/stuff you wish you were told when you were younger?

I'm 25 now. Wish that when I was younger I knew to look at women more objectively because most aren't worth my time. I also wish that I could have gone for dedication when I saw it and not wait for passion. I wish I knew that romantic love is an emotion and true love is a decision. I wish I knew not to follow my emotions so much. I also wish I were even more honest and up front. Even if it's just bad news, communication is one of the most important things in a relationship.

I think you can ask these men what their values are, what they read, and what they believe. If they seem dumb or treat you like you're dumb, move on. But at some point if you find someone actually promising, be patient but don't stick your head in the sand. It's very easy to get so caught up in emotion that you forget their excessive flaws and crucial incompatibilities. Also possible to get a couple bad feelings and burn down what could've been a lasting relationship as a result.

Good questions. I hope your find someone great.

[–] Sosacms 0 points 5 points (+5|-0) ago 

Time is the best test of anyone's character. Eventually how test you becomes habit, give it back that time.

A decent test for me is how Understanding they are about life getting in the way. There are things that need to be done, if they get pissy about you prioritizing your livelihood over their attention... Move on.

[–] saltpricesplummet 0 points 5 points (+5|-0) ago 

I don't think there's a solid rule for anyone. I always tried to take it slow with the girls I had a thing for. Turns out I never moved fast enough because they all grew impatient and left.

[–] SOULESS [S] 0 points 3 points (+3|-0) ago 

Aw. How many relationships did it take you to learn the right pace?

[–] saltpricesplummet 0 points 3 points (+3|-0) ago 

Honestly I still haven't. I just started to believe that when your with the right person your pace falls into sync.

[–] Gargilius 0 points 5 points (+5|-0) ago  (edited ago)

Old dude here; one thing I wish I had understood earlier: the other person might very well be just as intimidated, self-conscious, anxious and clueless as you are, no matter how he/she acts;

On top of that, there is an implied expectation that the dude (we are talking about the standard run of the mill hetero scenario here, right?) is supposed to 'make the move' / take the initiative, and we don't necessarily have the slightest clue as to what we are supposed to do and when and how (many of us - at least when we are younger - are relying on the shittest possible sources of advice on the matter, like equally clueless classmates/buddies movies/tv-shows and of course far worse, random advice gleaned from the interwebs :-) )

Another thing, even though dudes experience a lot of rejections, it still hurts quite a bit, so be kind.

Ah, yeah, the "let's cook a meal at home and watch a movie" date is loaded with expectations... so are other scenario like "let's spend the weekend somewhere...", etc.

[–] SOULESS [S] 0 points 4 points (+4|-0) ago 

the other person might very well be just as intimidated, self-conscious, anxious and clueless as you are, no matter how he/she acts;

Even if there's an age gap? Most men in my area in their early 20's have incredibly pessimistic views and hate women. I'm friends with a majority of males and listen to them speak and rant often about how they never want to get married or the girl will screw them over with divorce, never want to have children because it's a stupid life choice, and they think girls are a waste of money/time. Because of it I've been seeing men in their late 20's or early 30's since they have a different attitude.

The age gap makes me feel a little bit intimidated, but also a little bit more comfortable that they aren't like most my guy friends. Do you think that's healthy to have around an 8 year age gap? Does that change the dynamic you've described at all?

[–] Gargilius 0 points 2 points (+2|-0) ago 

Well, you are talking to an older dude who likes younger women, so I might be biased :-)

Seriously though, it's not because someone is older (chronologically) that this person necessarily has more experience relationshipwise, or is wiser, or makes better choices (people tend to repeat their mistakes); and again, they can be just as intimidated if not more (I have dated younger women, and felt like - and probably acted like - a complete idiot);

Eight years difference is not an issue IMHO, my parents are ten years apart for instance, but there is a reasonable limit - i.e., if it feels icky, it probably is (so I regret to say, that I would be way too old for you dear :-) )

Personally I stay away from people - not just romantically - with a record of bad life decisions.... not fool proof but it filters quite a bit, the advantage I have of being older, is that people my age have a longer 'record' to look at, i.e., there are more red flags to find.

[–] AmaleksHairyAss 0 points 4 points (+4|-0) ago  (edited ago)

It sounds like the moment a guy tries to go even a little too far you permanently break things off with him. If that's your line so be it. But I wonder if you might actually be compatible with one of them and are still willing to date as long as he keeps his hands to himself. If that's the case why not slap him when he gets randy and make it perfectly clear that sex is not on the menu but you are still interested in dating?

That didn't address what seems to be your primary question. In my opinion when asked for a date you should say something like "okay, but only if you're going to keep your hands off" and otherwise make it clear you're looking for a partner, not a playmate.

Would it be awkward if I straight asked them to let me set the pace and make the moves when I want?

No, and if they have a problem with it you'll have avoided an awkward pass and they'll have avoided a case of blue balls. Good all around.

And I'm not calling you a tease, but you may be unconsciously sending signals when you're attracted to a guy. And guys tend to be really, REALLY bad at reading hints and body language. Your "I like you" may be read as "Take me! Take me now!" so if he's not getting it don't be afraid to use your words. If that's too tiring with a particular guy it's probably just not a good match.

Any date that ends in the guy's house is probably going to be seen as an invitation to sex. Cooking and eating at his place (or yours) and then going out to see the movie wouldn't have that problem. Anything out-doors and in public doesn't send that signal. The more private the venue the more likely he is to see it as sexual.

For dates consider a pottery class, going for a run together, paddleboating, amateur rocketry, or other things like this that fit your common interests and budget.

You should probably read The Game and spend a week or two browsing through pick up artist communities. That will let you recognize the techniques they use. If someone is doing it by the book you'll be able to recognize it immediately and brush them off.

I feel like they'd immediately lose interest. (if I tell them I don't want sex right away)

Those are the guys you want to lose interest. It's a basic incompatibility.

[–] SOULESS [S] 0 points 1 points (+1|-0) ago 

It sounds like the moment a guy tries to go even a little too far you permanently break things off with him.

I can see how it sounds like that. Sexuality is an issue, though it's not the main reason I've been breaking up with people. The first one we broke up because he was moving to another state and it was too early in the relationship for me to go with him. The second I broke up because I found out he had a boyfriend and wanted to add a girlfriend to the mix. The third one I broke up with because we had absolutely nothing in common. His main hobbies were watching TV and movies. I thought he'd have an interesting life as a premed student and enjoy intellectual conversations and share stories with me. Instead he was deathly silent and anytime I tried to initiate a conversation or tried to dig into his life to understand him, he had nothing to contribute.

I don't mind if they attempt to make a move, as long as they listen if I ask them to please stop. But because of my pace I do know it's going to be a challenge with any relationship I have.

Those are the guys you want to lose interest. It's a basic incompatibility.

I guess so. Maybe I should try making that be one of the first things I tell people. I understand both sides where meeting them a few times first might be better prior to telling them so they can get to know me a little first and may already think I am someone worth waiting for first. I feel like meeting them first will make sure they know I'm not some socially awkward freak is good. I can also understand how saying right off the bat so they don't waste their time if sex is important is good too.

I guess I'll experiment and see which path gives me the best results.

[–] telleveryoneyouknow 0 points 3 points (+3|-0) ago 

Avoid it - work on your survival skills and gardening. Guarantee you’ll fall in love with a good ole green thumb who can provide if SHTF

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