[–] TestForScience 0 points 4 points (+4|-0) ago 

One of the funniest (possibly fake) stories I've ever read, was on Reddit a year ago, by a dude named Defenestrate_Me_Now
I'll just copy/paste it, so, sorry if the formatting gets janky.

Last night, my wife's boss from her brand new job invited us over for dinner. On the drive over, my wife reiterated many times to me just how important it was to make a good impression.

I scoffed and arrogantly informed my silly wife that I always make good impressions.

My wife's boss is a single lady in her fifties, so it was just the three of us. We chitchatted over drinks and salads and seemed to really be hitting it off. She laughed at my well-timed, perfectly-appropriate jokes and my wife seemed pleased.

Soon she brought out the main course, a nice big juicy steak for each of us. As I began to cut into my steak, I was discouraged to discover how under cooked this steak was.

Now, I've had my fair share of rare steak. I prefer medium, but I can handle rare. This was several-minutes-on-a-hot-grill short of rare. I probably could've resuscitated the cow had I tried. Instead, I sat there fidgeting with my knife and fork, worrying about how I was going to get away with not eating this steak.

Claim vegan-ism? No, I'd already feigned great enthusiasm upon seeing the steak.

Just then, our hostess excused herself to the kitchen to take care of some dessert preparations. As I looked across the fancy dining room table at the open window of this 3rd story apartment... a cartoon light bulb appeared over my head.

I knew I had to be decisive, realizing that she could return at any moment. I committed. I grabbed the steak with my hand, gently shook off the juice and executed a perfect throw right through the center of the open window.

Here's the big time FU. The window wasn't open. It was the cleanest fricking window you've ever seen in your life. That is, until my mostly raw slab of steak slammed up against it and slowly slid down leaving a trail of bloody juice in its wake.

My wife - who's steak was a nice medium rare and was unaware of my predicament - turned, jaw dropped, and stared at me like I was an alien from another planet. This look then slowly morphed into more of a there-is-no-place-on-this-planet-you-can-ever-hide-from-me expression of demonic anger.

My wife's boss heard the thud of the steak-on-window impact and came quickly. She took in the scene, the steak sitting on the window sill, the blood trail, my empty plate, and then gave me an inquisitive, puzzled look.

I just didn't know what to say. It felt like a minute of silence, but was probably 3 or 4 seconds. Finally, the best I could manage was "I... I'm so sorry. I am such a clutz... I don't know... I was just cutting it.. and... it... ... it slipped... just ask my wife, I really am a clutz... right honey?... (no help coming from that direction) ... I will clean this up... I can't believe this... I am so sorry" etc... etc...

Both women continued to stare at me like I had escaped from the loony bin, as I smeared the blood around the window with my cloth napkin, dusted off the steak, and continued to mutter my incoherent explanation. I knew no one was buying the story.

I knew what I had to do. I sheepishly returned to my seat and proceeded to eat every bite of that disgusting, cold, chewy, bloody, raw steak.

I remained pretty quiet the rest of the evening. My wife's only two words to me since the incident are "I'm fine".

TL;DR: Tried to sneakily throw my under-cooked steak through an open window... only to find out it wasn't open.

Edit: Thanks kind redditors (:

Update: Just got the first post-"I'm fine" communication from my wife, via text, who is at work...

"good news, [boss' name] and i just had a good laugh over how much of a fucking idiot u are. i hope u know u will never live this down. love u you moron"


[–] 007ace 0 points 1 points (+1|-0) ago 

I've told this one to my boyscouts:

I remember when I was younger, down the road lived old farmer Palmire. Mr. Palmire was a pretty good farmer for those parts and had chickens, cows, vegetables, the whole works. I'd occasionally help him with his farm chores to earn a bit of spending money.  One day, while forking hay out of his barn, I noticed a pig walk around the corner of the barn. Strange thing was, this pig had three artificial legs. He kind of hobbled along and stood over at the feed trough and had his fill.  When I was done with my work, I asked old Palmire about that pig. Why would anyone give a pig an artificial leg - especially three of them!  Mr. Palmire told me, 'Well, that's not no ordinary pig. That there pig is darn special. One day, my son Jimmy was swimming in the creek when he got stuck under some tree roots. That old pig jumped right in the water, dove under, yanked those roots out, and drug Jimmy to shore! Now, that's one special pig!' 

I said, 'That's amazing. But, what about his artificial legs?' 

'Well,' continued Mr. Palmire, 'another time, my daughter Tilly was walking down yonder through the trees when a stray cougar jumped out of a tree and was going to attack her. Just then, this here pig came tearing through the brush, barreled right into that cougar and chased him clean out of the valley. Most amazing thing I ever heard of a pig doing.' 

'Wow!' I replied. 'But, what about the legs?' 

'Just this spring, that pig saved my wife when she got locked in the smokehouse. That pig somehow got the door unlocked and got my wife out before she cooked to death.' 

'Alright!', I interrupted, 'I realize that pig is special, but why does it have three artificial legs?' 

'Well, a pig like that is just too special to eat all at once!'


[–] pixelperfect1 [S] 0 points 0 points (+0|-0) ago 

That's horrible and sad....I love it. Thanks for sharing!


[–] rnh_lurkin 0 points 1 points (+1|-0) ago 

Friend brought his hot girlfriend to my ranch. She predicted that she would fall in the fire I built by the end of the night. After a few hours and many drinks she did that exact thing. Gave her a couple nice burns. On another fun night, had a girl try to jump over the fire and fall in it.

I know these aren't the stories you meant, but I always find them funny!


[–] pixelperfect1 [S] 0 points 2 points (+2|-0) ago 

Lol "literal" campfire stories. Haha love it!


[–] pixelperfect1 [S] 1 points -1 points (+0|-1) ago 

16 upvotes but only one story and the story is from reddit. Apparently everyone (including myself) on voat have boring lives and no stories to tell.