[–] friendsend ago (edited ago)
Oh my, I was sitting in my car at the park today, while my Mamaw went with my girl to play. I am reading this so I rolled down the windows and vibed. This older man - mid-fifties - gets out of a car next to me, saying “Women are always right.” And then he looks at me and says, “They’re always right, aren’t they?” I laughed and told him I don’t trust women. LOL. You could imagine his face, but I sent him energy afterwards that I wasn’t making fun of his wife or whatever.
My girl is watching The Labyrinth right now.
I hope you got a lot done. And felt free and effective. What a nice feeling.
I commented to one of my comments without mentioning you last week. Not sure if you got the message. When you told me you were having beef that night with the skunk, I kept thinking it’d be gross. I probably read that post three or four times - as usual - and thought that every time. I’m sorry for the energy that sent you. You stated it wasn’t my doing, but did call me a witch if I did indeed play a part.
Something to consider.
It sounds like you’re very socialized. What a life - to be an adult around other adults. To have a relaxing time with them. To vibe and manage navigating a complex social scene. Parties. Kudos. You mentioned marijuana cooking parties once. If I were to do such a thing I’d need a licensed psychotherapist and a safe space with me at the party. Or I’d have to leave and be by myself with someone I trusted. I have a good friend right now. She is so extraordinarily kind and allowing. I’ve learned a lot about being around people because of her. She’s highly empathetic and values us. Her son is a wonderful boy to my daughter. They kissed once though, it was what it was.
How did you make it through life without falling into debauchery? I knew of so many young men growing up who were SIMP’s, or into drugs in a bad way, or who lost themselves into the system of work and weekend play. I can’t say I fared better, mind you. Was it your parents? Was it your inherent strength?
My Mamaw listens to Loretta Lynn, and one song with Conway Twitty always hits me well - Lyrics & Jewtube link to the song. The part where she sings “Lord I know the temptations are great”, kind of pulls the entire story of the song together. Did people used to be aware of the traps of the wicked? It seems so, based on that song. I love that. My daughter will be wise in these ways.
Ha - so funny - I’m vibing hard on three songs right now, and in each and every one of the videos of the songs it’s about relationships between white girls and black men.
- London Grammar - Non-Believer
- Lykki Le - No Rest For The Wicked
If my daughter knew all of them were like this, she wouldn’t let me listen to them. I’m not allowed to listen to the Joy William’s song. I taught her from a young age that marrying anyone that wasn’t white was a crime against us. She takes the shit seriously. She has black friends, but knows there are boundaries. I will enforce this idea heavily forever.
Last night... was intense. I couldn’t find my lucidity tea (or my yoni steam herbs, super weird actually), but did find some psychic healing tea I bought almost three years ago from my favorite witch/pagan apothecary on Etsy. I rolled an herbal cigarette and grabbed my ipad, headphones, and some precious crystals and went outside. Our backyard is dark, but I can be seen through our fence by surrounding houses in the daytime so I was careful where I put myself. I put on a robe over my nakedness... and watched the heavens while they sparked and moved across the sky. It wasn’t too much, very low key sky. As I listened to music, I moved, in a dancing way, emitting my emotions and energy. I partook in the sacraments of the herbs and I was in sync with something. I started feeling intense emotions, not the basic ones I usually operate on, and I got hit - hit - with this psychic energy that there was a pregnant girl who needed support in keeping her pregnancy with a son. So I put both ear buds in, took my robe down, and felt. The rage, it came to me, this deep feeling of being invaded, that the child was an imposition needing to be discarded, came to me, and I used my hands to create a calm around the baby, and I held that place with my hands while the rest of my body rocked through the anger. And then it was over, and there was a raw awareness that the new life was a part of her, that I felt, and I worked through the emotion to bring a love into my body - her body - and then I started pulling in a fervor of primal protection, until it was all I felt, on a cellular level - and the feeling was so deep and palpable, and I felt this powerful mammalian energy to kill for our young. And then I played the last song (I played a song for each situation I was in, to help me remain focused and in emotion), and I brought in relief, a proud relief that the child made it through, and was in her arms, and grew with all this protection from it’s ancestors, from me, it’s spirit guides, all of it. And through her eyes I was looking at this child, and I felt her energy move into traversing the scarred Earth with him on her back, fighting all the demons and winning for him. I was so thoroughly filled with a life force, that I’m struggling accepting the shallow feelings I normally wallow in. And nothing about it was about me. It was fighting for her and her son - the importance of him, the importance of her, was sent to me by the awake universe. They matter. We need each other desperately.
When I woke up this morning, I was still lucid. I saw the ripples all over the carpet when I woke. And when I took my daughter to get food, my driving wasn’t on point. I had to pull in my energy hard because I felt I was being pulled in every direction. When we went to go grocery shopping later, I was a wreck, not knowing how to deal with everyone’s energy. For example, I felt that if I picked up the celery in a certain way that I’d be sending one feeling to one person, but it I picked it up a different way I’d be sending a feeling to a different person. I was like in this jigsaw puzzle trying to get through without burning myself and retaining a normal appearance. I was so thankful we had talked about how people are after a mystical experience, because I was able to get enough of a grip to get the fuck out of the store. I came home and sent good energy to the kitchen, where I made dinner. :) I’m all good now. I’m so glad I found how to ground.
I’m tired, fren. Exhausted. HUGS.
[–] blumen4alles [S] ago
(Have to split my reply into two parts, this is part 1)
Had to go to the city for shopping yesterday. We go about every two months, sometimes longer. It is almost a 200 mile round trip. I didn't tell you what I was going to be doing, because you know why :)
My father was always very paranoid, lock up the house, make sure fires are out (candles, cigarettes), when you leave a parking spot look behind make sure you didn't leave anything, etc. I think it is a good habit to get into. He grew up in a city (one of the top 5 dangerous cities for violent crime, I think currently they are #2) and later we lived in a suburb about an hour away from that city & another – and it wasn't unheard of for the city rats (darkies usually) to drive out & break into houses.
I moved far away from that and we don't lock up anything anymore. It is kinda a nice feeling. We had our vehicles broken into a few times at my parents house, but never the house luckily.
Since I lived near the city, and later worked in the city (not all the time, I used to work as a subcontractor for a specialty) it doesn't bother me to be there all that badly. The next day after going though I am wiped, because I feel out everyone I come in contact with.
On the way there, we hit and probably killed a magpie early on. They were scavenging on a road kill and didn't get out of the way quick enough (speed limit on the road is 70mph). Then we saw a dog running along the road, I have seen him before he is a big white dog. That guy was super happy, he was bringing home somebody's leg to chew on. Probably a deer, the same animal the magpies were eating. He did well staying out of the way but we slowed down anyway. Then after we climbed over the mountain where my mystical experience ended, close to an area I used to live, we saw a coyote dead in the middle of the road. At least I think it was a coyote, I would have stopped if I was driving but I wasn't. Could of been a dog or even a wolf, but out where it was I'd say coyote. The body was gone on our return trip.
I guess I am pretty socialized and I can be social, but these days I keep to my animals and immediate family. Socializing takes so much out of me, especially if I do it often. My parents made efforts to socialize me when I was young because I was so introverted (aspergers probably). It is the reason I was the only one of my siblings to attend nursery school (didn't work), roller-skating lessons (didn't work). The adults running the groups would always tell my mom “blumen4alles is very kind, polite, & helpful, but whenever all the kids are together in a group you see him off to the side by himself”. I still do that in groups. They all group together like sheep and I am there off to the side, by myself, watching like a sheep-dog.
When I moved out here I attended this class, after I made some friends in the group they told me, “you are like a ninja, we never see you come into class, we never see you around, but you are always there” or something to that effect. So I am still doing it! I thought it was pretty funny they said that. I guess I am what I am and just do what comes naturally. When I was a kayaker I would always be aware of who was in front of me, who was behind me, and make sure everyone got through a rapid OK before continuing. It can be a very dangerous activity, people died on rivers I paddled.
Growing up I listened to my parents wisdom. I learned early that even though I was better than them in many ways, they had lived a life here and I had not. So I piggy-backed on their experience. I was told to never do drugs so I didn't. I didn't hang out with kids that got into trouble. I didn't go looking for trouble. They let me have a pina coloda with alcohol in it when we went to family gatherings, outside of that I never sought to drink without my parents around. I didn't get drunk till after my 21st birthday. Then after I learned I liked alcohol I wouldn't get drunk two weekends in a row. When I was in college my and my suite-mates went to CA, attended a rave, I was drinking and I saw drugs being used but had no interest in them. Funny you know where I ended up? I explored the building the rave was in and ended up way high above everyone else sitting in this stadium seating looking down on all the people dancing below. The DJ was the only one higher than me, and I watched people come all the way up to where I was and make requests to him. So this should give you an idea of how I socialize in large groups. I don't! Small groups I am OK with but when they get to be a certain number of people I remove myself & observe.
The next morning after that night I woke up in a very nice bed (alone) and did not know where I was. That was crazy. Got up, I was in a nice house but no one else was awake yet. Eventually bits & pieces came back to me and I remembered the long car ride from the rave to my roommates uncles house, getting out of the car, and going to the house. Alcohol is a hell of a drug haha. Back then I was drinking flavored brandy.
First drug I ever had other than alcohol was Vicodin after I hurt my back, wow that was great (took away the back pain) but then I found out what withdrawals were like after I decided to not take any after having some for three days in a row.
The cannabis I first vaped I grew myself. Eventually learned how to smoke it. Then I wondered what else was out there, tried salvia divinorum. Learned a lot from that plant. I think it really strengthened my mind. When I ate cannabis I think that also strengthens your mind because I learned how to let the paranoia and other shit go. Then mushrooms. Then Ayahuasca. Then DMT. I am growing San Pedro but never had mescaline in any form.
So I guess my parents gave me a good foundation, but it was also my own strength. I wasn't affected by peer-pressure. I'd hang out with friends that were into that, but always stayed sober. Most of my “drug” usage has been solo.
I didn't kiss a girl until my early 20's. A girl tried to make-out with me a little while before then and I just sat there. I kinda felt assaulted. She had asked me out and since I admired her courage I accepted. There was virtually no conversation on the car ride to and from the movie, didn't hear her laugh much during the movie, and when we get back to her house she just jumps on top of me and starts kissing me. Wonder what planet she was from. Maybe I am a woman trapped in a mans body and she was a man trapped in a womans body. Funny, she and her family raised goats.
I did get into a self-destructive pattern after my mystical experience, really I was drinking way too much. Chronic pain really wears you down and it is so frustrating having to pay in pain after any activity. I stopped drinking once for a few months but then started again. Just a couple nights a week during into every night again. I decided I should probably stick around for a few more years and if I keep drinking like I usually do my heart & liver aren't going to make it. I have high blood pressure now and probably fatty-liver, but I feel confident those can heal and improve. If not I guess I can finally die and see what is next, hopefully escape this prison. I do enjoy alcohol and some would consider me an alcoholic, but I'd ask them could an alcoholic have all these liquor bottles on top of the fridge, Vodka in the freezer, beer in the refrigerator, and not drink every day? Also stop drinking on their own after drinking daily for years? It really helps my arms don't hurt like they used to, and was drinking so I could sleep with that pain. Now all it is to not drink to have fun or to relieve stress.
Yesterday a woman in the store hit the shelf or something with her cart and remarked to those around her “woman driver” and then I said to her with a smile “and your blonde too” - hope she took it the right way. There were lots of young families with many children, that was good to see. Went to Chic-Fil-A (I spell it the old way from the other universe) to get a breakfast sandwich. Go inside and they have the bathrooms closed. WTF. I asked to use the bathroom (like to wash my hands before I eat & it was a long car ride so I kinda had to pee) and he said there is a port-a-potty out in the parking lot. How sanitary is that! Fucking Holocough. This shit is so stupid I am glad I am not out around these idiots all the time. Costco had most of the people wearing masks. Walmart there were more people without masks, and they all made me proud. Went to a feed store to get some scratch for the wild-turkeys, and almost no-one were wearing the state-mandated bullshit. I printed out 10 stickers before I left the house that said Holocough (((Hoax))) and distributed them every place I went. Fucking idiot sheep.
I encountered some BLM/Antifa (none were black) maybe a group of 4-5. Some faggot was holding a “No Justice No Peace” sign and I screamed out the window “13% of the population commits 50% of the crime” as we slowly went by before stopping at a red light. I heard some girl say “what did you say you racist” while we were sitting there. What a bunch of White-guilt morons.
On the highway home there was a solar-powered, tow-able sign saying “Mask Up” - probably a good thing I live two hours away, because I would either hack, vandalize, or steal that sign. A man with a good bit of property along the highway put up signs saying “Democrats Spreading Hate Across America” with a bunch of US Flags.
(End of part 1)
[–] blumen4alles [S] ago
(Part 2 - it all wouldn't fit and I am not editing it to!)
Your night reminds me of a Ayahuasa session I had. During the session I was going through all of this stuff and when I threw up there was this idea that came to me that my vomit in the bucket was a like an aborted baby. Shortly after that I learned a friend of mine who I met from being friends with her mother (she was molested by her father as a child, mom separated & took her away, she was in Hawaii and a nigger raped her, got pregnant, came back to my area, miscarried) – she told me the nigger had “Love” tattooed on his ankle and he was an artist so she thought he was OK – this girl has major problems, 22 years old. Anyway I couldn't help but think I had something to do with her body rejecting the pregnancy. Like I helped in some way during my aya session even though I knew nothing about what was going on in Hawaii.
Your celery stuff sounds rough. That sounds to me like left-overs from the night before. Glad you were able to get through it OK. I hope when we die we get to review our lives and how they impacted others, see what happened to friends we lost (I want to see where all my cats went). That'd be a really nice gift, just to know. Better stop there. I typed this in openoffice so if Voat screws up I don't lose it! Learning from my mistakes.
[–] friendsend ago
I LOL’d hard about you yelling at those protestors. So proud. Your low key activism is impressive.
I have lots to write, probably. I’ll get to it sometime in the future called tomorrow. I’m in the zone cleaning the house. Eating celery right now. The celery I picked out yesterday. Lol. Omg, I’ve got the giggles I swear.