[–] friendsend ago
Feeling poetic and flowy today. Talked to myself in my head, going over arguments in a couple topics just in case I am ever faced with them, I’ll have good talking points. I got overwhelmed with it by midday, and took an hour nap where I forced myself to calm and be silent. After that, I was renewed and approached house work with zest. We didn’t do homeschool today. When the house is messy it distracts from learning. I got some pastels for my daughter at the thrift store for $2, and she has been a nut over it for days. When she found she could smear the color - omg - thank god the color didn’t get on the carpet, but it got everywhere else. I’ve decided I would wash my face with oils from now on - have always had problematic skin - and so far it’s been working out. I splash hot hot water on my face, massage the oil into my face and neck, then put a hot wet towel on my face until the oil comes off. It’s so therapeutic. I’ve gotten my daughter to do oil pulling! With coconut oil. She handles it so well, I’m proud.
Since becoming sane I’ve been approaching ‘self-care’. Being in bad mental states doesn’t bode well for a person in any area. I’ve had to relearn how to be human, in all those ways. My poor daughter has seen the worst of it. She’s at the age where she sees how I care for myself. I’m in that state of awareness now. I feel like I’m shedding my mother’s impact on me. And my father’s. I don’t think I’ve spoke of my mother to you. Absolute trash. A narcissist from hell. No redeeming qualities even at her best. When my daughter was little I had to fight to get out of acting like her. Holy god I’m almost crying just even writing that. I remember once my daughter - at three - wet her pants, and I railed on her - shaming the shit out of her - like I was possessed. And every moment I heard the things coming out of my mouth, I wanted to kill myself. My daughter cried - deep - and I realized I got a hold of a core in her that was dangerous. Even when your handlers are done with you they can still possess you. Fuck - just typing that I’m feeling suicidal. I will never be there again. I’m so glad my daughter doesn’t remember - I tell her now that when she was little I yelled a lot because that’s how I was raised. I don’t let her forget, because some deep part of her still knows. If she’s aware, maybe if she’s ever confronted with those demons I planted, she can slay them. I slayed them. I am a wonderful mother - I have no reservations saying that, I know what a good mom is - and my daughter is emotionally intact and strong. If I give her anything, I will give her my best as a woman and mother. That’s all I am, anyway.
Yesterday morning when I woke up I was still in a dream world. I walked to my grandmothers room to wake her - and saw this texture around my feet in the carpet as I walked. Tonight when we went outside to see what the moon was looking like - Jesus god - I saw BRIGHT flashes in the sky. Two of them. The flashes were too big to be satellites or airplanes. I got overwhelmed and came back inside. I get pissed when I see the night sky light up because I just want to GO UP. I know that’s weird. I feel like I’m being teased and laughed at - at my powerlessness to go up there. The stars light up for me, the sky turns into symbols, and it’s beautiful. I saw this symbol tonight.. just an angle in the sky, with the little curve inside the elbow. I just, can’t handle it for a long time. I have my own life drama, as small as I am. Can’t be standing there all night. Got a baby to put to bed, you know?
In my last relationship, with my good friend, when we started the relationship, I thought we were going to ‘make it’. And the night we first saw each other, he came in, and we embraced. And I hadn’t been with a man in years - no touch, no affection - and holding him within the emotion of ‘hi my god you’re here’ and feeling a person underneath the fabric covering them - was a place where you feel you’re in a love song. I slept with him, he really gave me no choice - wouldn’t entertain waiting, wouldn’t be in a relationship without sex. And so, he’d take me out to fancy restaurants, and then we’d get tipsy and have sex when we’d get home. And it was boring and soulless. The man I was with in Egypt - our sex blew me to outer space. And my first love, the man who truly got away, well - in a perfect world I was his girl, and he was my boy. And our blonde hair and blue eyes would have created a beautiful child - but we aborted it - and lost each other. There is nothing poetic about that situation. It was tragic in every sense. It’s hard to think of a child I don’t have. I was so brainwashed then, that I didn’t understand what I did. Before I got pregnant with my daughter, I dated him again. I was still beautiful at that time. He tried helping me, but I was still insane. I was able to get by enough that you didn’t realize I was crazy until I was alone with you. I got pregnant not long after he kicked me out of his house because I wouldn’t take my meds. I lost my shit, and was sent the psych ward where I met my daughter’s father. After having her, I realized what I did. How brainwashed does a girl have to be to not realize what an abortion is? I have mourned extensively - and I think I was forgiven - I was crying in the shower last year over it, and I saw on the shower curtain a baby, and it’s heart was red and beating, and they touched their heart, and then extended their hand to me. I have tried not to mourn since, I mourned regularly for six years before that - since the day I gave birth. It’s hard to look into your child’s eyes and not remember what could have been. Reality is, is that if I had that child, I wouldn’t have this one. Life would have worked out differently. I respect my daughter’s soul for coming to me, for choosing to be mine.
I was in a wonderful mood all day - not sure why I wanted to share this. Loneliness is a funny thing. Being in your feelings, like I am right now. Things are palpable to me. Every feeling is a movement, every taste is soothing, all the scents are divine. I made steak for dinner, and cut oranges. I moved all my candles and incense into my daughter’s room, and let her arrange them in an old colorful plastic drawer set. We sat there for a while just enjoying our senses, putting things where they looked pleasing.
Tonight is a good night to put my daughter to bed and stay up late listening to music with some incense. I’ll make my lucidIty inducing tea and smoke some herbs. Maybe lay outside naked. I better start now. Thank you for being with me in the way you are. You don’t have to write to me but you do. I am grateful.
Blessings.
[–] blumen4alles [S] ago
Always was hard to do homework in a messy room. Our spaces mirror the inside of our minds so when our space is in disorder it affects our minds. I love pastels, that is great your daughter can be entertained with art, hugely lacking today. Sometimes I loved art class, sometimes I hated it. I hated we had to create what the teacher wanted us to create. I hated it was a non-leveled class and the teachers would always sit me next to problem kids because I could get along with anyone. Nope, don't miss school at all. Everything I really value I taught myself anyway. I read every how-to book in the kindergarten library.
It wasn't until I had my first puppy that I realized how I would have raised my child like my father did me. Luckily he is a dog not a human, not that it is any excuse to mistreat people. Possessed is a good way to put it. You see yourself outside of yourself wondering why you are behaving this way - but you still keep doing it. It takes a lot of self-awareness and will power to change. Maybe I had to get that out of me before I have a child.
Guilt is a powerful blackhole and the worst thought to have in any sort of open state. This is where self-forgiveness must come quickly or you could be lost for a long time.
You're welcome for writing and thank you too. I get something out of this as well, it is great to be able to talk with you. There is a guy in the next town over I used to live who is also schizophrenic. Great guy but I have never seen him when he gets bad. All the time I have hung out with him he has been super nice. I still remember him coming to my birthday party I invited many people to, he brought me a gift, it was a crystal or special rock I think. That was a fun night. I played everyone in pool and won every game - I am not that good either - but I was in the zone I guess. He put his fist through a window punching at a demon he saw in his brother, really messed up the tendons in his arm. I don't have regular contact with him and haven't seen him (nor any of the people I used to hang out with) in years. Awesome guy though, he probably had way too much to drink and his brother probably really does have a demon in him. I have always felt very uneasy around his brother, there is something in his eyes and his voice. I met him on 12/21/12 playing poker. He is one of those guys that plays poker like it is a business - so he is there to make money and not have fun. Bad energy. I wouldn't want to be around him in a tight space, I am always on alert when he is around because it feels like he could flip like a switch and become very angry and violent. That was such a crazy night now I think about it.
So I enjoy the company of people who are not neuro-typical, because I can be more of myself. Better get going, lots to do this Saturn's Day. Up early for an early start, they better watch out cause here I come ;)
[–] friendsend ago (edited ago)
Oh my, I was sitting in my car at the park today, while my Mamaw went with my girl to play. I am reading this so I rolled down the windows and vibed. This older man - mid-fifties - gets out of a car next to me, saying “Women are always right.” And then he looks at me and says, “They’re always right, aren’t they?” I laughed and told him I don’t trust women. LOL. You could imagine his face, but I sent him energy afterwards that I wasn’t making fun of his wife or whatever.
My girl is watching The Labyrinth right now.
I hope you got a lot done. And felt free and effective. What a nice feeling.
I commented to one of my comments without mentioning you last week. Not sure if you got the message. When you told me you were having beef that night with the skunk, I kept thinking it’d be gross. I probably read that post three or four times - as usual - and thought that every time. I’m sorry for the energy that sent you. You stated it wasn’t my doing, but did call me a witch if I did indeed play a part.
Something to consider.
It sounds like you’re very socialized. What a life - to be an adult around other adults. To have a relaxing time with them. To vibe and manage navigating a complex social scene. Parties. Kudos. You mentioned marijuana cooking parties once. If I were to do such a thing I’d need a licensed psychotherapist and a safe space with me at the party. Or I’d have to leave and be by myself with someone I trusted. I have a good friend right now. She is so extraordinarily kind and allowing. I’ve learned a lot about being around people because of her. She’s highly empathetic and values us. Her son is a wonderful boy to my daughter. They kissed once though, it was what it was.
How did you make it through life without falling into debauchery? I knew of so many young men growing up who were SIMP’s, or into drugs in a bad way, or who lost themselves into the system of work and weekend play. I can’t say I fared better, mind you. Was it your parents? Was it your inherent strength?
My Mamaw listens to Loretta Lynn, and one song with Conway Twitty always hits me well - Lyrics & Jewtube link to the song. The part where she sings “Lord I know the temptations are great”, kind of pulls the entire story of the song together. Did people used to be aware of the traps of the wicked? It seems so, based on that song. I love that. My daughter will be wise in these ways.
Ha - so funny - I’m vibing hard on three songs right now, and in each and every one of the videos of the songs it’s about relationships between white girls and black men.
- London Grammar - Non-Believer
- Joy Williams - Front Porch
- Lykki Le - No Rest For The Wicked
If my daughter knew all of them were like this, she wouldn’t let me listen to them. I’m not allowed to listen to the Joy William’s song. I taught her from a young age that marrying anyone that wasn’t white was a crime against us. She takes the shit seriously. She has black friends, but knows there are boundaries. I will enforce this idea heavily forever.
Last night... was intense. I couldn’t find my lucidity tea (or my yoni steam herbs, super weird actually), but did find some psychic healing tea I bought almost three years ago from my favorite witch/pagan apothecary on Etsy. I rolled an herbal cigarette and grabbed my ipad, headphones, and some precious crystals and went outside. Our backyard is dark, but I can be seen through our fence by surrounding houses in the daytime so I was careful where I put myself. I put on a robe over my nakedness... and watched the heavens while they sparked and moved across the sky. It wasn’t too much, very low key sky. As I listened to music, I moved, in a dancing way, emitting my emotions and energy. I partook in the sacraments of the herbs and I was in sync with something. I started feeling intense emotions, not the basic ones I usually operate on, and I got hit - hit - with this psychic energy that there was a pregnant girl who needed support in keeping her pregnancy with a son. So I put both ear buds in, took my robe down, and felt. The rage, it came to me, this deep feeling of being invaded, that the child was an imposition needing to be discarded, came to me, and I used my hands to create a calm around the baby, and I held that place with my hands while the rest of my body rocked through the anger. And then it was over, and there was a raw awareness that the new life was a part of her, that I felt, and I worked through the emotion to bring a love into my body - her body - and then I started pulling in a fervor of primal protection, until it was all I felt, on a cellular level - and the feeling was so deep and palpable, and I felt this powerful mammalian energy to kill for our young. And then I played the last song (I played a song for each situation I was in, to help me remain focused and in emotion), and I brought in relief, a proud relief that the child made it through, and was in her arms, and grew with all this protection from it’s ancestors, from me, it’s spirit guides, all of it. And through her eyes I was looking at this child, and I felt her energy move into traversing the scarred Earth with him on her back, fighting all the demons and winning for him. I was so thoroughly filled with a life force, that I’m struggling accepting the shallow feelings I normally wallow in. And nothing about it was about me. It was fighting for her and her son - the importance of him, the importance of her, was sent to me by the awake universe. They matter. We need each other desperately.
When I woke up this morning, I was still lucid. I saw the ripples all over the carpet when I woke. And when I took my daughter to get food, my driving wasn’t on point. I had to pull in my energy hard because I felt I was being pulled in every direction. When we went to go grocery shopping later, I was a wreck, not knowing how to deal with everyone’s energy. For example, I felt that if I picked up the celery in a certain way that I’d be sending one feeling to one person, but it I picked it up a different way I’d be sending a feeling to a different person. I was like in this jigsaw puzzle trying to get through without burning myself and retaining a normal appearance. I was so thankful we had talked about how people are after a mystical experience, because I was able to get enough of a grip to get the fuck out of the store. I came home and sent good energy to the kitchen, where I made dinner. :) I’m all good now. I’m so glad I found how to ground.
I’m tired, fren. Exhausted. HUGS.