[–] friendsend ago
That’s funnnnnyyyy you got the artist right. Love it. It IS so super gay that I missed the Middle East for ten minutes, but GOD - in all the dust that finds it’s way through every crack of every door and window frame there is just a feeling of LIVING. No wonder they are taking over Europe and don’t have a declining population. Men can be men, and women can be women. And all the food is real. And the natural areas are pristine and alive. They still have a caste type society, but using money, not because of honor or blood in a European kind of way. But men have power. They do. Women have their femininity. There were places just for women, and places just for men. As a white woman, I could go to the places where the men were and they wouldn’t bother me. Sometimes I’d get marriage proposals - “Marry my son!” Once - ha! - I was wearing some slacks that were tight around my butt, but then got loose as they went to my knees... and I was walking around the neighborhood market. I went home with my food, and felt someone poke me in my butt. Like, stick their finger in between my god forsaken butt cheeks. Right? And I turned around, and it was a midget. A midget. Dressed in all red. So I screamed at him, and chased him down the stairs and then down the street. He ran faster than me. I couldn’t get him. What I would have done with him when I caught him!?!?!? Not sure about that one. Can’t say. Little shit got away.
Oh dude. I swear. Women in the West. All of them just piss me off. I piss myself off! The culture is boring or just pornagraphic or so stuck up Christian. If I could do it all over I’d be Amish or a Mennonite. White community. Cool clothes. Prudence. Men are men. Women are women. Not a hard concept, not sure where the cultural confusion is coming from. Or I’d be a naturist in an outside Eden garden type place.
I’m sorry you feel the way you do about this existence. I have had the exact same thoughts that going to the bathroom all the time is absolutely maddening. We’re complicated biological organisms with divine spirit. This is what we are. I feel like you want something a little higher up on the vibrational plane, but that’s not what’s going on here. I think that’s the way it used to be, when lamb and serpent lived peacefully side by side. And I believe that will happen again. The state of your mind determines physical reality. If everyone woke up the planet would evolve with us. Humans are in a shit state. The world is in a shit state. Just as you said, the mystical shift of Egypt to become how it is now. Watch the first 10 minutes of this 30 minute video - link to jewtube. Don’t throw up about the albino, I know I know. And it’s in Southern California, where I’m from. I remember all of these things, those people. All that. But the spiritual shift indicated in the video, is what I think of when you asked me that question, what happened mystically to Egypt. That musician saved me when I was in psychosis deep, the first song of the video - god. The lyrics: “Mary prays the rosary for my broken mind - She says don’t worry ‘bout it”. The man who broke me in Egypt would often say we were electric, that song is called Body Electric. Just one of those things, you know? A song that hits right in every way at a certain time in someone’s life.
I’m in a sorry state these days when it comes to acting ‘alive’. When I was ‘insane’ it was easy to break out of the cultural expectations on behavior. Be spontaneous. Shake things up. Get institutionalized. If I could walk the line, that’d be great. It’s tedious being sane. I’m proud when I get through social situations with grace. I’ve taken on a much more nurturing persona. Calm. Unapologetic. Heart felt. I think as I lose the weight once the anti-psychotic is out of my life and my metabolism isn’t fucked, then I’ll change once more, like the shapeshifter I am.
I hope you have a good day friend. I’m going to nurture the house by cleaning it and give my darling spawn lots of attention today. She’s picking her nose right now. So blessed. I’ll type more tomorrow, I need to get off my ass.
Blessings.
[–] blumen4alles [S] ago
I do love Greek food because it all goes together and can usually be still enjoyed room temperature. I imagine that is how it would be in the ME. Can't say the same for most American food though. Cold french fries, ugh.
Your midget story is hilarious. Can't believe he outran you with those little legs. Must have lots of practice doing that. Maybe it was God itself acting through that little man - you know God is a big joker. On my first break-through DMT trip I saw a jester/joker. During my mystical experience I thought maybe I was Thor and my younger sibling who was always an antagonist in my life was Loki. Though I thought I could be many people, isn't it crazy when something like that happens you question who you are? Like when you grabbed that girl by the hair and screamed "Who Am I?!?"
Did you ever watch the 90's TV series Twin Peaks? I never watched it then but I am watching it now (kept coming up so I figured I'd check it out). There is a midget in some dream sequences. He talks really strangely too. I can tell one leg is longer than the other because he is wearing special shoes to make up for it. Another crazy synch was yesterday here I commented on a submission about China forcing Tibetans into labor camps, then on the episode of Twin Peaks last night there was an awesome scene where the FBI agent uses a technique similar to dowsing / kinesiology / muscle testing & before he gets into it he flips over the chalkboard with a map of Tibet on the back. He tells the people there (and the TV viewers) about what happened in Tibet. These synchs have been happening more lately, I take that as a good sign.
I have also thought about being Amish. I don't like Mennonites. There are some here I have interacted with, mostly the men bother me, they have this holier than thou attitude similar to what I found with the Jehovah's Witnesses. Amish are cool though. I would be a great asset to their community as I can fix just about anything and keep all their simple machines running. Maybe I am getting closer to the point where I would appreciate that lifestyle.
I watched that Lana video, got about 15 mins in I think. You know what I found worse than the albino? Her damn lips. Argh I hate lip fillers, fake tits, nose jobs, all of it. So repulsive. I could understand if someone was really deformed, but she looked great before she plumped up those lips. Humans really are in a shit state. I do like her music and often listen to the "Born to Die" album. I think it is her masterpiece. I liked the John Wayne, Elvis, Marilyn Monroe, Mary, Garden of Eden stuff in the video. I am sure she chose an albino nigger just to fuck with people.
I am in that process now. I was probably the most lean I have been in my life before my mystical experience, but gained weight back to where I was before (plus some) recovering. Some people carry weight to protect themselves. I often see sensitive people like that. It is a defensive reaction to this sick world. I see myself differently now, and it doesn't bother me like it used to. It only bothers me when it prevents me from doing something, like I couldn't go whitewater kayaking right now because my hips are too big to fit comfortably into the cockpit of my kayak. Oh do I miss that. Now my arms are finally getting better maybe one day I can build up enough strength to do it again.
Had a nice deer couple outside yesterday. Doe was over by my compost pile eating choke cherries. Buck was grazing very close to the house. Dogs didn't see them so they were inside. Bunch of cats out on the deck watching the deer. Our neighbors chickens and ducks have been wandering over to our property to eat the grasshoppers. Those ducks are cute and she has some really pretty chickens. If it was just humans on this world and no other mammals I would have probably left a long time ago. Out of all the people I thought I was before, I think I most identify with Francis of Assisi.
[–] friendsend ago
Feeling poetic and flowy today. Talked to myself in my head, going over arguments in a couple topics just in case I am ever faced with them, I’ll have good talking points. I got overwhelmed with it by midday, and took an hour nap where I forced myself to calm and be silent. After that, I was renewed and approached house work with zest. We didn’t do homeschool today. When the house is messy it distracts from learning. I got some pastels for my daughter at the thrift store for $2, and she has been a nut over it for days. When she found she could smear the color - omg - thank god the color didn’t get on the carpet, but it got everywhere else. I’ve decided I would wash my face with oils from now on - have always had problematic skin - and so far it’s been working out. I splash hot hot water on my face, massage the oil into my face and neck, then put a hot wet towel on my face until the oil comes off. It’s so therapeutic. I’ve gotten my daughter to do oil pulling! With coconut oil. She handles it so well, I’m proud.
Since becoming sane I’ve been approaching ‘self-care’. Being in bad mental states doesn’t bode well for a person in any area. I’ve had to relearn how to be human, in all those ways. My poor daughter has seen the worst of it. She’s at the age where she sees how I care for myself. I’m in that state of awareness now. I feel like I’m shedding my mother’s impact on me. And my father’s. I don’t think I’ve spoke of my mother to you. Absolute trash. A narcissist from hell. No redeeming qualities even at her best. When my daughter was little I had to fight to get out of acting like her. Holy god I’m almost crying just even writing that. I remember once my daughter - at three - wet her pants, and I railed on her - shaming the shit out of her - like I was possessed. And every moment I heard the things coming out of my mouth, I wanted to kill myself. My daughter cried - deep - and I realized I got a hold of a core in her that was dangerous. Even when your handlers are done with you they can still possess you. Fuck - just typing that I’m feeling suicidal. I will never be there again. I’m so glad my daughter doesn’t remember - I tell her now that when she was little I yelled a lot because that’s how I was raised. I don’t let her forget, because some deep part of her still knows. If she’s aware, maybe if she’s ever confronted with those demons I planted, she can slay them. I slayed them. I am a wonderful mother - I have no reservations saying that, I know what a good mom is - and my daughter is emotionally intact and strong. If I give her anything, I will give her my best as a woman and mother. That’s all I am, anyway.
Yesterday morning when I woke up I was still in a dream world. I walked to my grandmothers room to wake her - and saw this texture around my feet in the carpet as I walked. Tonight when we went outside to see what the moon was looking like - Jesus god - I saw BRIGHT flashes in the sky. Two of them. The flashes were too big to be satellites or airplanes. I got overwhelmed and came back inside. I get pissed when I see the night sky light up because I just want to GO UP. I know that’s weird. I feel like I’m being teased and laughed at - at my powerlessness to go up there. The stars light up for me, the sky turns into symbols, and it’s beautiful. I saw this symbol tonight.. just an angle in the sky, with the little curve inside the elbow. I just, can’t handle it for a long time. I have my own life drama, as small as I am. Can’t be standing there all night. Got a baby to put to bed, you know?
In my last relationship, with my good friend, when we started the relationship, I thought we were going to ‘make it’. And the night we first saw each other, he came in, and we embraced. And I hadn’t been with a man in years - no touch, no affection - and holding him within the emotion of ‘hi my god you’re here’ and feeling a person underneath the fabric covering them - was a place where you feel you’re in a love song. I slept with him, he really gave me no choice - wouldn’t entertain waiting, wouldn’t be in a relationship without sex. And so, he’d take me out to fancy restaurants, and then we’d get tipsy and have sex when we’d get home. And it was boring and soulless. The man I was with in Egypt - our sex blew me to outer space. And my first love, the man who truly got away, well - in a perfect world I was his girl, and he was my boy. And our blonde hair and blue eyes would have created a beautiful child - but we aborted it - and lost each other. There is nothing poetic about that situation. It was tragic in every sense. It’s hard to think of a child I don’t have. I was so brainwashed then, that I didn’t understand what I did. Before I got pregnant with my daughter, I dated him again. I was still beautiful at that time. He tried helping me, but I was still insane. I was able to get by enough that you didn’t realize I was crazy until I was alone with you. I got pregnant not long after he kicked me out of his house because I wouldn’t take my meds. I lost my shit, and was sent the psych ward where I met my daughter’s father. After having her, I realized what I did. How brainwashed does a girl have to be to not realize what an abortion is? I have mourned extensively - and I think I was forgiven - I was crying in the shower last year over it, and I saw on the shower curtain a baby, and it’s heart was red and beating, and they touched their heart, and then extended their hand to me. I have tried not to mourn since, I mourned regularly for six years before that - since the day I gave birth. It’s hard to look into your child’s eyes and not remember what could have been. Reality is, is that if I had that child, I wouldn’t have this one. Life would have worked out differently. I respect my daughter’s soul for coming to me, for choosing to be mine.
I was in a wonderful mood all day - not sure why I wanted to share this. Loneliness is a funny thing. Being in your feelings, like I am right now. Things are palpable to me. Every feeling is a movement, every taste is soothing, all the scents are divine. I made steak for dinner, and cut oranges. I moved all my candles and incense into my daughter’s room, and let her arrange them in an old colorful plastic drawer set. We sat there for a while just enjoying our senses, putting things where they looked pleasing.
Tonight is a good night to put my daughter to bed and stay up late listening to music with some incense. I’ll make my lucidIty inducing tea and smoke some herbs. Maybe lay outside naked. I better start now. Thank you for being with me in the way you are. You don’t have to write to me but you do. I am grateful.
Blessings.