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[–] friendsend ago  (edited ago)

It was about me - me being off my meds. You’re the only person I’ve been able to tell most of this about. My brother knows about the tiny bursts of light, and that I have slight hallucinations sometimes, but that’s it. I’ve never had an ear that would take me seriously - ever. My boyfriend last year (1st boyfriend since my daughter was born - knew him for over 10 years), I told him of what would go on, and I think it just amused him because he is high strung and bored of people. He was so asleep, I almost throw up in my mouth thinking about how I was with someone who was such a sheep. We both meant well, and I was lonely. He did tell me that if I went insane in front of him he’d beat it out of me. SO GLAD I wasn’t a desperate woman to stay in that relationship. I hope my trust in you isn’t misplaced, it’s been so nice to just SAY IT. So freeing but scary to SAY IT, and the anonymity helps, I guess. My daughter’s dad - we were good together when I was nuts, but these days he is so gone, I haven’t been speaking to him. When I moved back home in January we saw him often, but then two-ish months ago I tried to start having him come over here... my grandmother is deathly afraid of him because of his insanity. He came over and it was a wreck. A wreck. He was thoughtless, crude, and extremely difficult to be around. We haven’t really spoken since. Through all these years we would speak on the phone at least once a day, and he would say things about things I dreamed, or call me right when a dream got bad, or say something about something I’d been thinking about that day. It happened everyday, so I know we’re connected... but what do you do when the person you’ve had a child with, who has saved your life, can’t fucking function at all? At all. He needs help bathing, or he wont. He can’t drive, he can’t cook his own food, he can barely wipe his own ass. Oh my god, I’m about to cry. I have this beautiful daughter that was given to me by him, in the mist of my insanity and promiscuity and barrenness at 27 years old - I was obsessed with him after we met in the psych ward. I was off the wall, the techs and doctors had no idea what to do with me.. I grabbed a girl by her hair and brought her to the ground screaming to her “Who am I“ over and over while 10 people were trying to get me off of her. I went up to the doctor and took off his glasses, told him he was ..a fraud or something... then bent his glasses in half and handed them back. Then I started singing this song standing in the middle of the room while making the gun symbol with my hands pointing them at everyone because I thought they were hiding a child I supposedly had... Omg. So J (we will call my daughter’s dad that) saw me do all this and he thought it was hilarious. So I go outside for the smoke break and I had a sheet over my head, and I thought I was with the galactic police, and J comes out and I was told in my head that he was on the planet for prison-time because he was some criminal prince from another planet. (Omg - I’m dying remembering this stuff. I was having SO MUCH FUN but I was INSANE. Lol. Holy yads.) So - I told you this before - J comes up to me, puts lotion on my forehead and tells me I’m going to hallucinate - and then I do. After I hallucinated in the bathroom, I stripped down naked and walked into the common room - where I was dragged into the padded room and got a shot in my ass. I was left there for about 12 hours while I hallucinated. Other things happened, but I was obsessed with him after that. And when I was forced into that psych ward, the voices told me I would meet a ‘J’ (I think I told you that.) So I thought it was fate and didn’t care about anything else but being around him. But I’m sane-ish now, and I can’t be in schizo-land with someone who doesn’t care to feed the baby, you know? I’m on the cusp of being high functioning. Can’t slide back man, even though I’ve had experiences with him that are mind bending and make me think he’s the answer. He’s not. It’s been a really hard lesson. Really hard.

I DID have experiences with another man a few times - a friend of the family - He came to visit me when my daughter was young, and I remember around him I was thinking crazy stuff - but I pretended I was a princess, so I put a mask on and a robe on and went in front of the mirror. My face started changing into other faces. I saw probably 10. One of them was an old Asian Kung-fu master face with the long mustache! Lol. Every time he came around something happened. I remember before I got pregnant, on the journey that led me to the psych ward where I met J, I was sitting with the family friend on a porch telling him how aliens gave me their language. When I went to sleep that night I saw spirits coming in and out of who-evers body was sitting in some chair by the bed. So, three men: my daughter’s dad, our family friend, and the man that made me insane in Egypt. All males. The only time I’ve been with a female and had something happen was when I was with my best friend a few weeks ago and her face started morphing into other faces. Made me think she is a simulation or a program.

Damn, that MIA song I linked above is making me want to be back in the Middle East. How funny is that? My daughter caught me listening to it - came out of our room and hit me - told me I was being a degenerate listening to it. OMG DYING. Lol.

Night. I might take a break tomorrow from the screen. Will probably be back on Monday afternoon. Peace, fren. Thanks for letting me talk ABOUT MYSELF. I’m feeling hella selfish right now but as I said - it feels good just to SAY IT to someone who won’t call the crisis line. So, so, so therapeutic. Thank you for being an open mind and letting a stranger type her life story in a safe way. Feels so good. Thank you.

Night fren.

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[–] blumen4alles [S] ago 

Haha that was just so awesome. I read everything then go back and check out any links, this way I don't get distracted. When I was reading your story and talking about making guns with your hands I got a picture in my head of M.I.A. from her music video "Paper Planes". I love that song (hate remixes of it though) and I was thinking "wonder if that is the video she linked" then when I went back up and clicked on it & saw it was the same artist I got a huge smile on my face. I was close and in my defense I have never heard that song or seen that video. The cars were awesome in the video but I find that desert life and culture so repulsive. I'll take that as an accurate hit.

I had a gf that was very asleep too. Thankfully that was my shortest relationship ever. Like you, I was also lonely. It was also the first time I actually went out into the world to try to find someone like that. She called herself a "seeker" as in truth-seeker, but I never saw her wander far from her Catholic upbringing. It bothered her that her two boys liked me so much. I think she just wanted someone to be with every other weekend.

In that movie I watched the schizophrenic guy won't bathe either. His brother has told hold his hand while he is showering. I think he is thinking about where the water goes after it passes the drain, maybe he is worried about being sucked down there too. For me when I was always focused on the absurdity of having to eat, then you have to poop. Went around and just saw all these consumables - food, propane, etc. I really wanted to get to the level where I could just exist without consuming anything. No need to eat. No need to keep warm. Just exist. I saw (and still do) this place as a looping ride. Guess I just wanted off the ride. If living means you constantly have to consume other living things - it all just seems absurd. This place is a mistake. Existence was not supposed to be like this. I really thought when whatever was happened was over I was either going to leave or not have to worry about those things anymore. I even wrote on the underside of the propane tank lid what the % was before I left. But nope, back to chopping wood and carrying water. Not long after that the propane company we use replaced the tank with a new one (on their own we didn't ask or anything). Guy probably thought I was nuts.

I have experienced the shifting faces when looking at myself in the mirror and with other women. Never with any men but maybe I have not stared long enough. I have had other interesting things happen around men, and they are usually linked to my deceased grandfather. Once I asked my friend a question and I swear it was like my grandfather talking through him. Also when he was dying, I went to leave after hanging out with him in hospice. He sat up and when I looked into his eyes they were these bright blue lights. It was such a gift but boy did it hurt to be losing him. When the face shifting has happened with other women (except for the jew) I intuitively felt we had shared time in previous lives, or the soul I was looking at was also a person I spent time with in my past. This idea that I am here in this simulation with about 12 or so other real souls and the rest are just NPC's has come up many times in my life. With the jew when her face shifted it was more like "which face does he want to see". Kinda like how faceberg put stuff into their users feeds. Creepy.

that MIA song I linked above is making me want to be back in the Middle East. How funny is that?

Funny gay not funny haha. Well I have never been there in this life. I prefer old old old Egypt, you know back when it was GREEN and there were TREES! Have you ever thought about what may have happened there mystically for it to become like that?

My daughter caught me listening to it - came out of our room and hit me - told me I was being a degenerate listening to it.

Based daughter. She might say the same thing about Paper Planes - I really do love that song I just find it so hilarious because there is a lot of truth to it (how the US govt/military goes to the ME shoots people and takes their stuff).

I really like the part when you bent the docs glasses in half. Wonder if that had ever happened before to him.

Thanks for sharing all that and it is nice to have someone to share things with too.

One last thing, interesting at what age you gave here, 27. I was reading this channeling a while ago, about the age of 27 and the "27 club" where artists have died at that age (like Kurt Cobain):

The 27 Club is an organization of beliefs and composed of many individual Light Beings who are contained in an assembly of one Being of experience. The Beings are all in a unified alliance. The 27 Club specifically involves Beings who are making a travel in time to disseminate and share artistically in the Earth dimension.

You're saying that they are "many individual Beings contained in an assembly of one Being of experience". Is this how a soul ascension group operates?

This is one way in which a soul ascension group can assemble. This group however is not the same species of Beings that you are defined as.

What species are they?

This is a cooperation with an assembly that is aligned with the Pleiades experience. This may seem somewhat strange or questionable to your readers but these Beings are experiencing a human form in order to disseminate through the arts.

I don't feel a great connection to Pleiades as I do Sirius, but I feel they are an ally. The Subaru logo is also based on the Pleiades, and I love Subrarus :)

Another take I have heard is a light shining that brightly is only able to stay here that long.

Maybe that time in your life was your "make or break" moment.

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[–] friendsend ago 

That’s funnnnnyyyy you got the artist right. Love it. It IS so super gay that I missed the Middle East for ten minutes, but GOD - in all the dust that finds it’s way through every crack of every door and window frame there is just a feeling of LIVING. No wonder they are taking over Europe and don’t have a declining population. Men can be men, and women can be women. And all the food is real. And the natural areas are pristine and alive. They still have a caste type society, but using money, not because of honor or blood in a European kind of way. But men have power. They do. Women have their femininity. There were places just for women, and places just for men. As a white woman, I could go to the places where the men were and they wouldn’t bother me. Sometimes I’d get marriage proposals - “Marry my son!” Once - ha! - I was wearing some slacks that were tight around my butt, but then got loose as they went to my knees... and I was walking around the neighborhood market. I went home with my food, and felt someone poke me in my butt. Like, stick their finger in between my god forsaken butt cheeks. Right? And I turned around, and it was a midget. A midget. Dressed in all red. So I screamed at him, and chased him down the stairs and then down the street. He ran faster than me. I couldn’t get him. What I would have done with him when I caught him!?!?!? Not sure about that one. Can’t say. Little shit got away.

Oh dude. I swear. Women in the West. All of them just piss me off. I piss myself off! The culture is boring or just pornagraphic or so stuck up Christian. If I could do it all over I’d be Amish or a Mennonite. White community. Cool clothes. Prudence. Men are men. Women are women. Not a hard concept, not sure where the cultural confusion is coming from. Or I’d be a naturist in an outside Eden garden type place.

I’m sorry you feel the way you do about this existence. I have had the exact same thoughts that going to the bathroom all the time is absolutely maddening. We’re complicated biological organisms with divine spirit. This is what we are. I feel like you want something a little higher up on the vibrational plane, but that’s not what’s going on here. I think that’s the way it used to be, when lamb and serpent lived peacefully side by side. And I believe that will happen again. The state of your mind determines physical reality. If everyone woke up the planet would evolve with us. Humans are in a shit state. The world is in a shit state. Just as you said, the mystical shift of Egypt to become how it is now. Watch the first 10 minutes of this 30 minute video - link to jewtube. Don’t throw up about the albino, I know I know. And it’s in Southern California, where I’m from. I remember all of these things, those people. All that. But the spiritual shift indicated in the video, is what I think of when you asked me that question, what happened mystically to Egypt. That musician saved me when I was in psychosis deep, the first song of the video - god. The lyrics: “Mary prays the rosary for my broken mind - She says don’t worry ‘bout it”. The man who broke me in Egypt would often say we were electric, that song is called Body Electric. Just one of those things, you know? A song that hits right in every way at a certain time in someone’s life.

I’m in a sorry state these days when it comes to acting ‘alive’. When I was ‘insane’ it was easy to break out of the cultural expectations on behavior. Be spontaneous. Shake things up. Get institutionalized. If I could walk the line, that’d be great. It’s tedious being sane. I’m proud when I get through social situations with grace. I’ve taken on a much more nurturing persona. Calm. Unapologetic. Heart felt. I think as I lose the weight once the anti-psychotic is out of my life and my metabolism isn’t fucked, then I’ll change once more, like the shapeshifter I am.

I hope you have a good day friend. I’m going to nurture the house by cleaning it and give my darling spawn lots of attention today. She’s picking her nose right now. So blessed. I’ll type more tomorrow, I need to get off my ass.

Blessings.