[–] friendsend ago (edited ago)
To be honest though, when I’d read about your dinner (because I read your responses several times before commenting back), I thought it’d be gross. Every time I read it, I just remember thinking it’d be gross. LMAO. EDIT - It wasn’t funny, what happened. I’m sorry fren.
[–] blumen4alles [S] ago
I think this is the comment you mentioned. Nah it is funny now. Got some more skunk shampoo if it happens again. Not like I am going to go around and start killing skunks, I think they have just as much of a right to be here as I do.
One way of looking at this place is we are all dreamers and creators. You can also see it as a competition, and the most powerful dreamer wins. This is why it is important to be mindful of our thoughts and careful with our words. All this means is you are a powerful dreamer & I need to be more careful, and stick to my personal rules.
My dog went swimming the other evening just as the the light was fading. I pointed out a beaver on the opposite bank of the river and he swam over to it. Beaver tail-slapped when he got to the other side. Wow did he smell like skunk the whole time he was drying. Ewwwww.
Last night I bit his ear playfully and all I could taste is skunk. Ewwwwwww.
If it was your fault I forgive you, but I really take responsibility as my thoughts were very specific.
We eat lots of meat usually. In the summer I eat more salads but I still like meat. I enjoy all kinds of food though, except for any imitation foods. Imitation crab meat, tofu, fake cheese, etc. I can understand why someone would want to eat vegetarian, I just don't understand why they want to transform the stuff into something it is not. Falls in line with me disliking any forms of deception. I hate fake.
[–] blumen4alles [S] ago
Gave the dog another bath. He was not happy about it. More chores probably won't write again till tomorrow morning.
That is very wise. The part where "I’m off my meds" your daughter is talking about you or herself? I took it as you when I read that.
It was so hard not to try to tell people what about what I saw, heard, thought, or experienced during my mystical experience. All I wanted to do was share. I just kept telling myself "those who know do not speak, those who speak do not know" over and over. I tired to focus on remembering what was flowing through my head, so I created all these imaginary things I would/could do. Lay out patterns. Be at certain places. Be with certain people. Relive moments with my new knowledge and do things differently.
It is lonely. I think you are very lucky to be able to be in that space with your daughters father. I only get that in my dreams. It is nice, but it also makes me miss having someone that I feel like "gets it". The dreams are sweet though, I had a pleasant one this morning.
Better get to work before I lose an hour. Have a good night fren.
[–] friendsend ago (edited ago)
It was about me - me being off my meds. You’re the only person I’ve been able to tell most of this about. My brother knows about the tiny bursts of light, and that I have slight hallucinations sometimes, but that’s it. I’ve never had an ear that would take me seriously - ever. My boyfriend last year (1st boyfriend since my daughter was born - knew him for over 10 years), I told him of what would go on, and I think it just amused him because he is high strung and bored of people. He was so asleep, I almost throw up in my mouth thinking about how I was with someone who was such a sheep. We both meant well, and I was lonely. He did tell me that if I went insane in front of him he’d beat it out of me. SO GLAD I wasn’t a desperate woman to stay in that relationship. I hope my trust in you isn’t misplaced, it’s been so nice to just SAY IT. So freeing but scary to SAY IT, and the anonymity helps, I guess. My daughter’s dad - we were good together when I was nuts, but these days he is so gone, I haven’t been speaking to him. When I moved back home in January we saw him often, but then two-ish months ago I tried to start having him come over here... my grandmother is deathly afraid of him because of his insanity. He came over and it was a wreck. A wreck. He was thoughtless, crude, and extremely difficult to be around. We haven’t really spoken since. Through all these years we would speak on the phone at least once a day, and he would say things about things I dreamed, or call me right when a dream got bad, or say something about something I’d been thinking about that day. It happened everyday, so I know we’re connected... but what do you do when the person you’ve had a child with, who has saved your life, can’t fucking function at all? At all. He needs help bathing, or he wont. He can’t drive, he can’t cook his own food, he can barely wipe his own ass. Oh my god, I’m about to cry. I have this beautiful daughter that was given to me by him, in the mist of my insanity and promiscuity and barrenness at 27 years old - I was obsessed with him after we met in the psych ward. I was off the wall, the techs and doctors had no idea what to do with me.. I grabbed a girl by her hair and brought her to the ground screaming to her “Who am I“ over and over while 10 people were trying to get me off of her. I went up to the doctor and took off his glasses, told him he was ..a fraud or something... then bent his glasses in half and handed them back. Then I started singing this song standing in the middle of the room while making the gun symbol with my hands pointing them at everyone because I thought they were hiding a child I supposedly had... Omg. So J (we will call my daughter’s dad that) saw me do all this and he thought it was hilarious. So I go outside for the smoke break and I had a sheet over my head, and I thought I was with the galactic police, and J comes out and I was told in my head that he was on the planet for prison-time because he was some criminal prince from another planet. (Omg - I’m dying remembering this stuff. I was having SO MUCH FUN but I was INSANE. Lol. Holy yads.) So - I told you this before - J comes up to me, puts lotion on my forehead and tells me I’m going to hallucinate - and then I do. After I hallucinated in the bathroom, I stripped down naked and walked into the common room - where I was dragged into the padded room and got a shot in my ass. I was left there for about 12 hours while I hallucinated. Other things happened, but I was obsessed with him after that. And when I was forced into that psych ward, the voices told me I would meet a ‘J’ (I think I told you that.) So I thought it was fate and didn’t care about anything else but being around him. But I’m sane-ish now, and I can’t be in schizo-land with someone who doesn’t care to feed the baby, you know? I’m on the cusp of being high functioning. Can’t slide back man, even though I’ve had experiences with him that are mind bending and make me think he’s the answer. He’s not. It’s been a really hard lesson. Really hard.
I DID have experiences with another man a few times - a friend of the family - He came to visit me when my daughter was young, and I remember around him I was thinking crazy stuff - but I pretended I was a princess, so I put a mask on and a robe on and went in front of the mirror. My face started changing into other faces. I saw probably 10. One of them was an old Asian Kung-fu master face with the long mustache! Lol. Every time he came around something happened. I remember before I got pregnant, on the journey that led me to the psych ward where I met J, I was sitting with the family friend on a porch telling him how aliens gave me their language. When I went to sleep that night I saw spirits coming in and out of who-evers body was sitting in some chair by the bed. So, three men: my daughter’s dad, our family friend, and the man that made me insane in Egypt. All males. The only time I’ve been with a female and had something happen was when I was with my best friend a few weeks ago and her face started morphing into other faces. Made me think she is a simulation or a program.
Damn, that MIA song I linked above is making me want to be back in the Middle East. How funny is that? My daughter caught me listening to it - came out of our room and hit me - told me I was being a degenerate listening to it. OMG DYING. Lol.
Night. I might take a break tomorrow from the screen. Will probably be back on Monday afternoon. Peace, fren. Thanks for letting me talk ABOUT MYSELF. I’m feeling hella selfish right now but as I said - it feels good just to SAY IT to someone who won’t call the crisis line. So, so, so therapeutic. Thank you for being an open mind and letting a stranger type her life story in a safe way. Feels so good. Thank you.
Night fren.
[–] blumen4alles [S] ago
Haha that was just so awesome. I read everything then go back and check out any links, this way I don't get distracted. When I was reading your story and talking about making guns with your hands I got a picture in my head of M.I.A. from her music video "Paper Planes". I love that song (hate remixes of it though) and I was thinking "wonder if that is the video she linked" then when I went back up and clicked on it & saw it was the same artist I got a huge smile on my face. I was close and in my defense I have never heard that song or seen that video. The cars were awesome in the video but I find that desert life and culture so repulsive. I'll take that as an accurate hit.
I had a gf that was very asleep too. Thankfully that was my shortest relationship ever. Like you, I was also lonely. It was also the first time I actually went out into the world to try to find someone like that. She called herself a "seeker" as in truth-seeker, but I never saw her wander far from her Catholic upbringing. It bothered her that her two boys liked me so much. I think she just wanted someone to be with every other weekend.
In that movie I watched the schizophrenic guy won't bathe either. His brother has told hold his hand while he is showering. I think he is thinking about where the water goes after it passes the drain, maybe he is worried about being sucked down there too. For me when I was always focused on the absurdity of having to eat, then you have to poop. Went around and just saw all these consumables - food, propane, etc. I really wanted to get to the level where I could just exist without consuming anything. No need to eat. No need to keep warm. Just exist. I saw (and still do) this place as a looping ride. Guess I just wanted off the ride. If living means you constantly have to consume other living things - it all just seems absurd. This place is a mistake. Existence was not supposed to be like this. I really thought when whatever was happened was over I was either going to leave or not have to worry about those things anymore. I even wrote on the underside of the propane tank lid what the % was before I left. But nope, back to chopping wood and carrying water. Not long after that the propane company we use replaced the tank with a new one (on their own we didn't ask or anything). Guy probably thought I was nuts.
I have experienced the shifting faces when looking at myself in the mirror and with other women. Never with any men but maybe I have not stared long enough. I have had other interesting things happen around men, and they are usually linked to my deceased grandfather. Once I asked my friend a question and I swear it was like my grandfather talking through him. Also when he was dying, I went to leave after hanging out with him in hospice. He sat up and when I looked into his eyes they were these bright blue lights. It was such a gift but boy did it hurt to be losing him. When the face shifting has happened with other women (except for the jew) I intuitively felt we had shared time in previous lives, or the soul I was looking at was also a person I spent time with in my past. This idea that I am here in this simulation with about 12 or so other real souls and the rest are just NPC's has come up many times in my life. With the jew when her face shifted it was more like "which face does he want to see". Kinda like how faceberg put stuff into their users feeds. Creepy.
Funny gay not funny haha. Well I have never been there in this life. I prefer old old old Egypt, you know back when it was GREEN and there were TREES! Have you ever thought about what may have happened there mystically for it to become like that?
Based daughter. She might say the same thing about Paper Planes - I really do love that song I just find it so hilarious because there is a lot of truth to it (how the US govt/military goes to the ME shoots people and takes their stuff).
I really like the part when you bent the docs glasses in half. Wonder if that had ever happened before to him.
Thanks for sharing all that and it is nice to have someone to share things with too.
One last thing, interesting at what age you gave here, 27. I was reading this channeling a while ago, about the age of 27 and the "27 club" where artists have died at that age (like Kurt Cobain):
I don't feel a great connection to Pleiades as I do Sirius, but I feel they are an ally. The Subaru logo is also based on the Pleiades, and I love Subrarus :)
Another take I have heard is a light shining that brightly is only able to stay here that long.
Maybe that time in your life was your "make or break" moment.