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[–] friendsend ago 

I’m sorry if I’m not savvy to these types of things. I think that’s why I got in so much trouble in Egypt, because I seemed to ask the wrong questions and say the wrong things. Don’t share things with me like that. I’m really not sensitive if I’m approached respectfully, so if you ever get a thought that doesn’t seem logical but you feel strongly about, let me know. I know we just type to one another, but I’ve found a light in you. As much as we’d like to trust people, one another, and people we find spiritual and connected, doesn’t mean we should open ourselves unnecessarily. It was a normal question - What are you having for dinner? You’d think answering it would be simple and non-threatening.

What a catastrophe. What a mess.

I don’t know how many ‘lessons’ need to be learned before someone gets a grasp on reality. It is a mind-fuck. For you to find the reasoning between the connections you made - well, Godspeed. As a schizophrenic who has made ridiculous connections, and now as a sane-ish person stuck in a sort of mystic state where I can feel when things are connected in my personal world, I know where you’re coming from. It’s not something to make sense of, you know?

I have made the terrible connection between telling people what has been working for me, or inspiring me, or helping me - and then after I say it, whatever it was that helped stops helping. Even after I told you I was obsessed with Cream of Wheat, the next day when I had it I got a stomach ache and didn’t enjoy it. And the gatorade wasn’t palatable all week. It really messes me up, because I want to share, and I want to get other’s ideas, but when it stops being personal - it loses me. I don’t blame you, but I know what you’re talking about, and it makes me confused and feeling very alone. Because of my mental health, it’s important for me to get other’s points of view.... If I think about any one subject, it’s short sided. For you it happens on the internet, for me it happens with talking. I don’t comment online enough for it to be a thing, but the cream of wheat and Gatorade situation was very real. I’ve thought probably three times this week it was like that because I shared about it. Makes me feel so alone. I just can’t even describe it - I want to share!!!!

My daughter’s MRI went very, very well. Her results came back normal! So we won’t be seeing the neurologist again. My daughter got a new prescription for her glasses - patching is also going to have to become a part of our routine.

I am so sorry if my talking to you about ‘cervical awakening’ came off as the feeling that I was trying to grab your attention in a sexual way. I was thinking about that yesterday. I don’t know. I watched an incredible video of an old lesbian feminist describing men and their way to attain meaning. As a woman, I think my enlightenment and meaning come from within. I think if I have knowledge of my womb, my cervix, etc. then I can reach a state of mind that is full of strength and meaning. And that’s all I need. And that’s what I was trying to share, is that I’m doing self exploration in a spiritual way to open and know myself more. I don’t think I have the capabilities of a man to find enlightenment in anything outside of myself, or creation outside of myself. I think the ONLY reason my mind was blown open to the height that it was, was because a man did that to me through the act of sex. And being celibate, it’s a matter of regaining identity and integral knowledge of the self. It’s so hard to share these things, and I don’t, with anyone, not even my best friend. For them it’s too ‘sexual’ and not a spiritual act. When I have spoken about it with you I felt like one of those Internet girls who wants attention, and the only way they get it is by being overtly sexual. “Look at me! I have a vagina!” I do have one, though, and I think that’s the core of my identity in this incarnation. I want to be FULLY in myself. I think cervical exploration would be beyond beneficial - but I think for a man sexual stimulation does different things. I think if a man controls their sex, they control their energy. I think women process sexual energy differently. There is a feminist idea that exploring your sexuality is like the height of being a woman - but they explore it in horrendously exploitive ways. There is no ‘coming into knowledge’, it’s just, ‘how to get off’. I used to be that type of woman, so I would know. Being holistic in approaching sexuality, is a big thing. Looking at bodies without thinking about sex, having orgasms without being ‘turned on’, understanding your own flesh with reverence. I’m trying to be more awake, I’m working with heart coherence, and doing breath work. Doing weight lifting, working with my muscles. All those things. It’s so hard to share, because you don’t know how someone will take it. I know of women who’ve never had sex, much less looked at themselves in the mirror. Or married religious women who would think I was absolutely sinful in my undertakings. There are a lot of opinions, but mine is for self awareness and health. What a dream! To be healthy. To be open and awake and responsive (instead of reactive) and giving and strong. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed with the work I have to do on myself I do nothing. As I teach myself, I teach my daughter :). Maybe with my opening awareness and self knowledge, she won’t be doing this in her 30’s. But, in the future, when and if we talk about these things, please know I’m not doing it for attention, and that it’s genuine human sharing from a holistic approach. I don’t want to exploit myself or you. And I felt you had that approach when you told me about your full moon emissions. Cool knowledge all the way.

Talk soon.

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[–] blumen4alles [S] ago 

I thought about adding don't take it personally and you are not to blame to my reply. It isn't your fault, you were just being friendly. It is a pretty crazy coincidence though to have something happen with my dinner, and my thoughts before it. It isn't your fault even, unless you intended to mess with my meal, which I seriously doubt. If you did, then well played, witch :)

It happens to me with talking too! I hate talking about myself and I never tell people my plans. I only tell people about something I did after I did it.

During my mystical experience I learned the basis of all energy is sexual energy. I appreciate learning about it! There is a dark side of course, which is why Crowley was into the sex magick and sodomy.

It doesn't help that I watched a movie recently about a musician with schizophrenia I Met a Girl 2020 - these things remind me of when I was like that. I don't know how exactly this place works, but I have some ideas, and I just knew when I gave out information like that something was going to happen. And it did! So let us call that a scientific experiment, OK? You know what this means right? People with schizophrenia probably have a better sense of the truth. That is how I feel anyway. There is a reason why tribes took care of their schizophrenic shamans, because they could see the world in a way to help the people that could not.

Again, I just broke my own rule, it is not your fault. I feel like the universe is playing with me anyway with these things. Else I would get bored. Pretty crazy though. I am glad I can talk about these things with you, I don't have anyone else to share these things with.

Glad to hear your daughters results came back normal. I remember kids in school wearing eye patches, and they didn't seem to need them forever. Have they give you any time frames how long it will take for her vision to be corrected? If that was my child I'd be super tempted to micro-dose them with psilocybin, it helps the brain make new pathways.

I don't think you are talking about anything for attention. Glad we can share these things. Gonna go do some chores, maybe write later.

How about that timing of RBG's death announcement, yesterday was the first day of Rosh Hashanah. The Autumnal equinox is in three days.

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[–] friendsend ago 

I’ve been watching a channel on YouTube called Living Well With Schizophrenia. The girl that runs the channel, who is schizophrenic, will never reach peak spiritual states or altered states of consciousness to the point where she becomes hyper aware of reality. And that’s the problem. She will be medicated, she will be expected to act like everyone else. She will not be allowed to live in her hallucinations, she will not be able to act out the dramas in her mind until she finds herself and comes out of it with new knowledge for herself and all those she loves. She will never. Most don’t. My daughter’s father was the only reason I made it out. We were hanging out, being hella schizo, living out the insanity in our heads, and I became ok. I wish for a truly human experience - and I don’t think I ever truly have experienced that. I have to do this, do that, have this, have that. Today I decided that there is a way into space without Elon Musk, and that I could get there. It was a sane thought. I made the decision I was going to believe that. And when I did the fucking little dots started sparking in my vision, as if in celebration that I made that belief for myself.

Jesus, fren. The other day I sat in my front yard and looked into the sky. As usual, the little dots of light came into my vision - BUT THEN - I started seeing little black things fly everywhere. I saw them five times. It didn’t look like a vision, it was as physically there as a bird, but it didn’t move like a bird, it moved like... something else. As real as car I drive in or the people I see. My god - I’m just, floored. I’ve never seen anything like it. If I see a bird, it’s obvious it’s a bird. When I look that high into the sky it’s usually a hawk, which seem to call to me. These little black things left trails behind them and darted about quickly. Not a UFO or space ship. It just reminded me of a person being able to just fly around, like I was seeing their energy output while they jetted around the clouds. I could only see it for about two seconds before it would fly out of my vision.

My daughter, I allowed her to have some slightly hallucinogenic tea. Since she drank it she’s had a voice in her head. It’s a male, she says it’s an ancestor, but I might have put that idea in her head when I questioned her to find out more. She said - ha! - that the voice said I shouldn’t tell anyone what I see or experience, because when I’m off my meds that we will be able to do really smart things. That voice tells her a lot of wise stuff, I get super shaken sometimes. In a good way. Ideally, I respond well without meds, right? Ideally, I do smart things. I wouldn’t micro-dose her without a hella healthy person around to be buffer and support. I’m kind of intelligent in certain ways, for sure, but not in all ways, and that’s an area outside my expertise. Damn it! Not sure how a kid with two schizo parents would react to mushrooms, even a micro dose. Sounds like something a real human would do. We’re kind of cogs right now. Sad.

Ha. Just looked at the sky and saw another black thing flying around. New phenomenon. I’m in my front yard - it’s so pretty. And the weather here is so nice right now.

I have just started paying special attention to moon cycles... I have NOT yet found it in me to look at Jewish holidays - lest (((they))) need more attention - I swear. Yeah, I’m sure it was no accident, and the B has been dead for a while. I have no faith in the media system, and there is no one deep into real happenings that the info they’d bring would be believed by the masses. I believe it, because I believe a lot of crazy shit, because that seems to be the realest stuff to me. What an insane time to be alive. I have spiritual insight, according to MY alien overlords to whom I send my prayers to, that the coming years are the last fight the dark has before we reach the unveiling of a higher reality. So I’m not too stressed about the matters at hand, my mind is elsewhere. Which could be incredibly insane, as it goes, you know. I’m at the bottom of the totem pole, and RBG’s death could have taken a long time to get to me from the top where all the knowings of humanity are immediately known. Like when a voice in my head said “She doesn’t know Robin Williams died.” Then three months later he supposedly did. I told you about that. It could be that he just escaped into outer space, like Micheal Jackson. It’s not a prison planet for all, I think. It’s all a game, though. All of it.

Alright fren, write me when you can. No rush. I’m around.

Blessings.