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[–] friendsend ago 

I wasn’t able to sleep tonight... I’m a bit worried that this low dose of zyprexa is causing it! The last time I didn’t take my meds it was like this. Ugh.

So - I lived with a narcissistic mother. And I have a child. I am HIGHLY aware of people who think they can treat their kids like crap. Sometimes even in an evil way. Some parents want to take out their problems on their children. Others just LIKE being abusive. Some see potential in their children and don’t want them to be successful out of jealousy. When I was growing up, I was so used to my mother being mean that I did it to my siblings as well. I wasn’t self aware and I was highly suggestible. I took after my mother like a child should take after their parents. My goodness, when my daughter grew out of babyhood and into her own personality it was so so so so so hard to not treat her like my mother treated me. I went to therapy, read parenting books, cried when I lost my shit, and prayed constantly. I’m a really great mother now. I really got it down by the time she was 5, but now she’s my new 7 year old, and I am doing so well with building her properly. I know I had a choice - be terrible and break her like my parents did me - or build her. I chose life. It sounds like your friend is with -beyond- toxic relatives. Bless him. I would even have him attempt leaving even if it meant living in poverty. Being poor, I’d rather be like this than in a relationship with someone horrendous. But, like so many, he may have never seen other options. When people are used to a living situation, they tend to think nothing can change. He may not have it in him at this moment. Pray tell he finds his way and rises above all of this.

The hamsa - no I avoid it. I was in the Middle East and it was big there. I’m over it. Not my culture. Not my Gods. I could do well without eating foreign cuisine and celebrating other cultures for the rest of my life. They can keep their damned eye of fatima.

Your wet dream is pretty non-PC, and at the same time completely mirroring modern porn. Cop. Bad girl. Shit gets rough and she gets fucked.

I had a transmission/idea when I was seriously mentally ill that women steered the direction of the planet as it flew through space with their psychic and spiritual energy, but men had to sex them up right to get the women to go in the right direction. Pretty funny thought. I should make a romance novel about it. Ha!

And yes... I did take that Russian stuff personally. It was rough. Something about being a cocked eyed schizophrenic that no one would want really hurt. My daughter has amblyopia and has schizophrenic parents! We’re both white, he’s of German stock and I’m of Scandinavian (I was blond as a girl, now a brunette - damn it.). But even before I read that, I was just pondering if amblyopia was a condition of being inbred. Pisses me off. I’d be interested in reading what you’d piece together if you wrote about the incestual nature of reality. I wont hold my breath but if you do ever write something cohesive then share.

Speaking of masters, do you think you’ve been a victim of mind control? This guy (<-Jewtube) talks about his experiences with CIA mind control techniques with a super computer. This video has a decent description. I can’t subscribe too heavily into it or I’ll get hella paranoid. But, I feel I come in and out of spirit and machine. You might have some respite from the system that allows you to decompress and live with spirit - I live in the grid. I think everything is really what you make it. If I get really scared, then I will create bad situations. If I’m peaceful and a free, then spirit moves through me. My daughter’s father always worries about satellites hurting our daughters brain. He gets me a bit panicky sometimes. Ever used orgone? Heard of biogeometry? I have a necklace I bought from the doctor who created biogeometry while I was in Egypt 14 years ago. I think stuff like that helps, although I just have a few pieces of orgone... the energy that comes off of it makes my body cool when I focus on it.

I hope you’re doing well. It’s nice to hear from you.

It’s 6 am my time, and I am going to attempt to stay up for the rest of the day as a RESET. Hopefully I won’t start hallucinating. Ha. If I do I’ll tell you about it, it would probably be enjoyable.

Coffee. Maybe even some green tea or matcha. Yoga, too.

Peace, fren.

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[–] blumen4alles [S] ago 

My father is narcissistic too. I could also feel myself acting like him when I was raising my puppies. I had a dog before but he was a rescue and not a puppy. If I ever had children I will think about what you said here and be glad I practiced on dogs first instead of humans. My friend in Germany did have his independence and own space, but life circumstances had him move back in with his mom. He is trying to regain some of that but this world is very difficult right now for everyone. He lives in a high tourist area of Germany so I am sure things are more expensive there too.

Eye of Fatima makes me want to puke!

My wet dream was very non-PC. I didn't actually fuck her in my dream though. Never removed any of mine or her clothes. I do confess I groped her chest under her crop top though. When I have them, the ones that get me, it is like someone else is dreaming them for me. The ones when I am able to pull myself out of them are more like my normal dreams. Usually there if there is a girl in my normal dreams it never gets sexual. In my dream I am just happy to be around someone I like and who may like me. In waking life I am very slow to give myself away, and a pleasure-denier (or pleasure-delayer?). I heard that term somewhere but I didn't see much when searching just now. This was the closest result (NSFW!) There is a penis in a cage on that wiki page. Never seen that before LOL.

I just like to get to know people and see what they are like in a variety of situations before being intimate with them. I wish I had been able to do a wider variety of activities with my first girlfriend before having sex. She even freaked out going for a walk in the woods. Mega freaked out when I took her for a canoe trip. However since we had to see each other in secret because of her parents we just didn't do much besides talk at work, meetup in the park near her house, etc.

There was another wet dream that really bothered me, so I remember it well. One day a week I would play dominoes with this group of boomers, ex-hippies, we would smoke pot, eat pot, it was a good time. Usually mostly women, sometimes it was balanced, sometimes I was the only guy. One of the women in the group had a problem with her electric water heater, I am really good and troubleshooting & fixing pretty much anything electrical or mechanical, so I offered to stop by. I had never been in her house before, and she was a hoarder. This might bother some people but my father is a hoarder & I have my own fair amount of discord. Not a hoarder though. My biggest issue is putting things back in their places, or even having places for things. I have a photographic memory so when I need something I just look at the mental picture of where I last saw it or where I left it. Have a bad habit of piling stuff up on flat surfaces, you should see my desk right now.

Anyway, back to this woman. She already had a fairly small house, combine that with being a hoarder it kinda feels like the walls are closing in. Some doors didn't open all the way because stuff was behind them, and that is a huge pet peeve / trigger for me, I hate that shit. I get there and she was watching this little girl. Don't remember if they were related or she was just baby-sitting for a friend. Kid was full of energy and excited to have someone else in the house to talk to. Somewhere along the line the girl asks me to come into the bedroom she is staying in, bouncing all over the bed, I am just standing there watching her jump around wishing I still had that youthful energy. I get this psychic feeling behind me from the woman, she had this thought about me and the little girl being in the bedroom together. Like I literally felt her worry and sense of responsibility to protect this little girl from me. I felt it physically too. I am always aware of where everyone is, tracking them in a way, and even when I can't exactly for some reason I can feel a direction to look. When I read peoples mind like that I feel it physically like a gust of wind hitting me.

So she comes in and says something about us being in the room, and I follow her out of the room. I didn't let it bother me really. I figured maybe she herself had been abused. Maybe she thinks all men are pedophiles. Who knows, her problem, not mine, I know myself. I checked out her water heater and told her how to proceed. Trying not to notice the filthy kitchen. Junk on top of the stove with only one burner accessible.

That night or the night after I had a wet dream. In my dream there was this disturbing little alien just jumping up and down on top of me. Kinda a blue-green alien. Crazy eyes, really excited. I woke up disturbed, and as I analyzed the dream became even more disturbed. Pretty sure that alien was that little girl, or at least that is what someone wanted me to think. Then I got really pissed off at the woman for even putting that thought in my head. That was more than five years ago and I still remember it vividly. Nothing in the dream was sexual in anyway, the only sexual part was my body doing its thing. I felt intruded upon though.

Who knows, maybe that was another form of that little girl, maybe she liked my energy and visited me in my dream state. I think we are all aliens here and our spirits/souls/whatever have different forms when we are not in these meat bags. But fuck that woman for thinking that thought. That is the archontic mind right there. Even if you eliminate the parasite from your consciousness, you can still be subjected to it from other people. Which is why I rarely go out around other people.

I had a transmission/idea when I was seriously mentally ill that women steered the direction of the planet as it flew through space with their psychic and spiritual energy, but men had to sex them up right to get the women to go in the right direction.

You know how people blame men for the way the world is? I think there is a group of old women who have been in power forever, and they just use the men to do their bidding. It is probably exactly like the society structure that bees have. I'd say your transmission/idea is spot on. I have had very similar ideas flow through my head before.

I thought you took it personally but I didn't realize you were thinking about your daughter that way. That is horrible, and not my intention at all. Even if it is true for any of us, what can we do now beside become aware of the situation and try to improve it? When I was reading it I was thinking in the context of the jews, or people marrying relatives "to keep the money in the family". If it helps at all I don't feel like your daughters condition is a result of inbreeding. Now I am wondering is she was born under one of the air signs of the zodiac (Gemini, Libra, Aquarius). That just popped in my head, maybe because all is mind and I feel like her lazy eye is connected to that. More of a brain balance than eye issue. Now I feel like I am playing doctor.

Mind control. I was just thinking last night about this. I had trouble remembering more about a movie I saw around the time of my mystical experience. I could only remember the ending and I even made a post here asking for help from anyone that might had seen it. I highly recommend this movie. I may even watch it again today and take notes. There are some really profound things in it.

Maybe the mind control is being put out through pop music, television, commercials, and the internet? Maybe they are using my desire to know what is going on in the world and my curiosity about it against me?

After I watched the movie last night it made sense why there was a mental block in my mind and internet censorship to keep me from finding it again (sounds a bit paranoid but when you have been putting internet search terms together for as long as I have and see search results about coronavirus come up when looking for a movie on multiple search engines it really makes you wonder!) My memory is fuzzy around the time before & after my mystical experience, but I should have had enough in my search to pull that movie up. The way I eventually found it was looking at movies similar to it and checking the 12 movies imdb associates with each of them.

A key part of the movie is there are certain words that can be spoken and you gain control of people. They don't call it spelling for nothing. All this really makes me think I should take a good break from all forms of media. THAT IS HOW THEY GET TO YOU wink wink

I had done resets before and some really messed me up. I had a bad idea once after I stayed up all night to make this breakfast sandwich and put some cannabis and mushrooms in the eggs. NEVER DO THAT. Holy shit was I paranoid. Bad bad idea. You can have mushrooms and then cannabis after the mushrooms take effect, but eating cannabis with mushrooms is a no-no especially after having not slept all night - a recipe for disaster. Thank goodness I held myself together. I ended up pretending to sleep with an eye mask and headphones to just ride it out.

When I was in college I stayed up all night to cram, then the next night I thought I'd really like to get a good sleep, I'll take some ambien - but didn't go to sleep right away. Don't do that either. I was hallucinating caterpillar toast.

I usually only eat one meal a day but after staying up all night I eat more. So that is my suggestion, eat more today. Your eyes will probably get tired too from not having their rest. And your feet. I didn't sleep well last night either but I did sleep some.

Did you taper your dose again recently? If so, your body will adjust, give it time :)

I am going to go check the rest of Voat now and hopefully there are no new videos of men getting kicked in the head by niggers. I probably should take a break, for my mental health...

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[–] friendsend ago  (edited ago)

K. So.

Lots of uncomfortable stuff that I’m surprised you told me. I TOO have had some very f-in uncomfortable dreams that make me wake up feeling disgusted and horrified. I’m even too embarrassed to say it - because my god - you just don’t talk about these things. At the beginning of my horrendous and nightmarish break from reality, that thought I shared about women steering the planet was an obsessive thought - and I was envisioning planets colliding, and going into a demonic place in the universe, and DOOM AND GLOOM, and it was all my fault - and the only male around me was my brother. I ASKED HIM TO HAVE SEX WITH ME. I was out of it - completely gone - hysterical. And it happened two more times because the voices in my head said he was just pretending to be my brother and he was really adopted and he was the Lizard King of the Internet™. When I became sane again it took me years to look him in the face or talk to him without being beyond horrified. We’re over it now, there isn’t a thought of it. He knows where I was, and he still loves me. :)

Other dreams, just shit I can’t talk about in a public forum, or thoughts while I was crazy that leave me in a state of mourning that those images/ideas were ever in my head. Yes. Even still, disturbing thoughts come... and I have learned recently to disassociate from them. I imagine that there is a hooked nose Jew behind me saying it and pretending that it was me. I’ll imagine myself stabbing him or violently annihilating him. It works. .-KNOWING-. these thoughts aren’t mine has been freedom. I think only a shaman/mystic/schizophrenic/occultist/hermeticist can say that with sincere conviction. Hard lesson to learn. I’m not completely shielded. Maybe as I grow more wise I’ll learn how to catch intrusive thoughts quickly. Ha, instead of being horrified and embarrassed, asking for forgiveness. Self empowerment, man!

I don’t know. I’ve had dreams where I can feel everything that was going on. Aliens probing my butt, waking up with it still feeling like something was there. Or having a man go down on me and almost climaxing, waking up right before I hit a peak. It doesn’t happen often, and I’m glad. I sleep in the same bed with my elderly Grandmother with my 7 year old in between us. It makes me feel safe that we’re all there sharing our heart energy. The elderly who live around their grand babies live the longest, and my daughter snuggles up with one of us every night - as she should!!

There are times though when I feel like a man is presenting himself to me energetically. And as an adult, ‘worldly’ woman, it is only expected that I act my part in the exchange of energies. And it gets intense, where I feel myself giving sexual energy out and can feel myself feel his responses, and just play it out until everything builds up and then releases. Happened with clouds, mirrors... Where I felt like that man was inside of those. I’m alone when in this situation. Can’t really play out that kind of stuff consciously around others.

I may be inspired by your words and take a break off of media. Even music. That’s hard.

Ha - so a couple years ago there was a Super Bowl. It was the whitest team against the blackest team (...I think?). I don’t give any, any fucks about sports. But when I heard it was the whitest team, I wanted to put my psychic energy to give them a push towards victory, right? So I sit down, and play some heavy hitting music, and imagine myself fighting in the ethereal realm. I did it for the entire second half of the game, and they won. I felt super proud, like it was all me, it was so funny. Reading the salt about how ‘white supremacy won’ was beautiful. Lmao. But the music pushed me into the visions, I couldn’t cast without it. And another time, I was feeling rage.. something about a little white girl that was murdered... and I was on my way home and I listened to my favorite artist.. and I felt my emotions morph into a type of subdued feeling. And I couldn’t get back to the rage. I had to find some death metal, and then I worked my way into it again.

Yeah, I think I’m going to do a sabbatical of sorts. I have been thinking about it for a while, but I think you mentioning these things are just giving me the push I need. I’ll approach it seriously tomorrow.

And that movie you mentioned in your post - the one about synchronicity and high vibes... yes, I’ve seen it. A very long time ago. I wasn’t as awake back then, I was still going through a lot of mental illness and chaos. It reminds me a bit of my journey now - trying to not over think, and doing activities that align with the flow of the living and awake world around me. Some people may just ...have it... We’re programmed to be out of sync though. I’m trying so hard to tap into my body. The zyprexa made me gain weight, and I can’t ‘feel’ myself. I feel like I’m just a talking head with a newly awakened weak heart, desperately trying to be human so I can have a couple friends and learn how to take care of myself. So much damage was done, being mentally ill, and the fear - the fear that something else bad will happen... I’m trying to embrace acceptance, and gratitude, and hope... not over analyzing and making it hard for the universe to give me what I need. Being gracious and trusting. I made it out of terrible circumstances - a wreck, mind you - but finding that alignment. That’s when the coincidences happen. And when those start happening back to back my anxiety goes through the roof and I get schizo because those types of alignments mean something big.. and am I ready for it? Ugh. Chicken shit.

It’s almost 3:30 pm my time. Gotta take my daughter out for a walk, get some fresh air. It’s overcast here so it’s not too hot. The mosquitos though. My German Shepard tends to lose her shit if approached by unleashed dogs. She thinks they’re a threat, and gets very territorial over us. It gets scary. She’s so well behaved at home, the most polite and well mannered dog. But, my god, if we’re outside away from the house, what are we going to do?! Witness a dog fight!? No joke. We don’t take her on walks anymore because of it and it breaks our hearts. We can’t afford more training to try and fix the issue. Would you have any advice?

I have more to write. I’ll write when I’m free.

Peas and chicken grease.