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[–] DearestTrudeau 1 point 7 points (+8|-1) ago 

Not listening to you indicates a lack of respect. She sees you as a beta male. If you can't reclaim the throne you're fucked.

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[–] WhiteRonin 0 points 4 points (+4|-0) ago 

Totally this.

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[–] Scruffy_Nerfherder [S] 0 points 1 point (+1|-0) ago 

Well, I've never been very 'alpha'. I've just been interested in my own things mostly and only now am I seeing the necessity of projecting dominance. So you're probably right to a point, but as I've answered on another comment, she is wired to defy any authority. The times I have put my foot down she has responded, but they weren't yelling or posturing - she knew I had reached my limit and was going to leave her. It always took the nuclear option to get her attention. I never had to say it, but she knew I was done.

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[–] DearestTrudeau 0 points 4 points (+4|-0) ago 

In a perfect world women would be content as equals, but alas that does not seem to be the case. Being alpha doesn't mean being bossy though, it's mostly just projecting strength and assuming command rather than reaching a consensus on some things. Life is just too damn short to figure everything out.

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[–] ShittyAdvice 2 points 9 points (+11|-2) ago 

Nail her sister.

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[–] WhiteRonin ago 

Actually, this might work. If not and the sister is hotter, you end up -- win win.

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[–] Scruffy_Nerfherder [S] ago 

She has two stepsisters and they both look exactly like their father.... Nope. I'd do her mom first, she's about 4 foot tall and 400 lbs. I'd have to get her from the back because she would probably bite my dick off.

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[–] con77 3 points -3 points (+0|-3) ago 

dump her

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[–] Scruffy_Nerfherder [S] 0 points 2 points (+2|-0) ago 

Thought about it many times, but I have 5 kids. It would be more pleasant to stick my dick in a meat grinder.

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[–] con77 ago 

5? you made your bed pal

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[–] 8141130? 0 points 3 points (+3|-0) ago 

What is she not listening to you about specifically? Is she just being defiant in general or is it one particular thing?

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[–] Scruffy_Nerfherder [S] 0 points 1 point (+1|-0) ago 

I posted another more detailed message on another comment, but the short answer is everything. To the point that she would ask my opinion about something a or b, and if I said a, she would choose b. Every time. We have gotten that straightened out and now she only asks my opinion if she is really looking for it and we reason through choices better, but it started out as not listening to me about anything and only got worse from there - if such a thing were possible.

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[–] Le_Squish 0 points 9 points (+9|-0) ago 

Need more imput.

  1. When was the habit of not listening to you established? Did she never listen to you but you just now noticed?

  2. Have you established yourself as an involved leader and role model of the family? How often in the past have questions she has possed to you been answered with I dunno or do what you want?

  3. Are you reliable and do you consistently follow thru with things you need to do? How many times do you need to be asked to do a chore or errand? Does she feel the need to scd you like a child?

  4. Have you failed to defend her or have been doing things that diminish your masculinity in her eyes?

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[–] Scruffy_Nerfherder [S] 0 points 1 point (+1|-0) ago 

First off she did have really crap parents out of that came a lot of defiance toward authority - any authority. Not in an uppity 'black girl' way, but more passive aggressive. Also we have been married for 22 years, dated for 2 so that is 24 years together as a couple. It wasn't a good marriage until about 2 years ago, before then it was varying degrees of livable. I told her right off the bat (when I was young and naive, and expected reason and accountability) that I could fight the world all day long, but I couldn't fight her AND the world, she had to be on my team. Well 20 years latter that shit just broke me, hell 15 years in I had just given up and pretty much abandoned trying to exert authority and leadership in any sphere where she had influence; kids, house, chores, friends ETC. NOW I want to make things right but I am unsure how to proceed so with that background info, I will answer your questions.

1) Right away. I called my wedding ring the 'magical ring of transformation' because everything that we had talked about and planned went right out the window the instant we got home from the honeymoon.

2) I have tried but have not succeeded.House cleaning was always the biggest bone of contention - I got to the point that I would throw the kids toys away. I actually threw their christmas gifts away one year because I couldn't take the mess. Watching your children crawl through piled up garbage on the floor is awful. I actually tried to do chores at one point juggling the laundry for 7 people, emptying the dishwasher, and doing the grocery shopping all while working 43 - 50 hours a week and doing the other 'manly' stuff like mowing the lawn. I thought if I could help her get a dent in the mess she would take over - nope. That was about 6 years ago and I just flat gave up after that to the point I wouldn't even fix anything around the house.

3) ^^Kind of answered above. I'll go to the store and do most of the shopping.

4) Defend her -- I thought I had. I was always very protective of her and couldn't wait to get her out from under her parents. We moved away in the first year of our marriage it took a long time to fully break their influence. I was naive and thought eventually they would come around and want a relationship on a more equal footing, I was wrong. They are all dead minus her Mother which is the source of the cancer. They no longer talk. Anyway I recently sent her mother a facebook message saying what a worthless piece of shit she was. We aren't friends on FB so even though she got the message, she will never see it. You have to hunt for messages sent to you by people you aren't friends with. None the less, my wife was really grateful that I had sent that. I thought that I was being protective and giving her space and encouragement to work out her issues, maybe she didn't see it that way.

So, that's it in a nutshell.

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[–] 8145098? 0 points 3 points (+3|-0) ago 

Gah, that sucks. Your wife sounds a lot like my brother's.

My husband and I had a power struggle several years ago and it was brutal. We went to counseling and not sure if it helped that much but what it did do was taught us to be more introspective. I learned that I had to stop trying to change him and look inward and what I found wasn't awesome.

I realized that I was looking to him to make the relationship work and wasn't putting forth my best effort. I acknowledged that my casual wine drinking had become problematic, resulting in a seriously bad attitude. My approach was to work on myself and stop focusing on his problems. Went to AA and got a sponsor and worked the steps and that was when our marriage started to improve significantly.

Guess what I want to know is whether either or both of you have been drinking, or not?

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[–] Le_Squish 0 points 2 points (+2|-0) ago 

You guys have had a long time to establish bad habits. Seems like there was no checks and balances between you two so small problems that could have been overcome in the past are now stains and sources of bitterness.

First things first, you have to talked to her to see if she wants to save the relationship. In her mind, she may have demoted you to roommate or manchild and is just hanging around because of co-dependency. No matter how you feel, relationships require all parties to participate and there is no path forward without her willingness to try.

If she's on board to start working on the marriage. Get a counselor and specifically work on building trust. She doesn't trust your leadership and that is why she resist. Just like you don't trust her to keep the household running smoothly.

At the root of is that both of you are passive and there was a lot of accommodating when there were valid reasons to be making a fuss, starting an argument and correcting behavior.

I'm pretty sure that if you can reestablish trust, your wife will happy defer to you.

[–] [deleted] 0 points 5 points (+5|-0) ago  (edited ago)

[Deleted]

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[–] Scruffy_Nerfherder [S] ago 

We are finally at the point we can talk about it, I have a way to go before I can take the wheel again. This shit broke me, now she has the reigns. I think that when I get better there will be a little more understanding.

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[–] PM_ME_YOUR_BOOBS2 0 points 3 points (+3|-0) ago 

Serious answer, be patient. If you are to be the leader then you have to be wise and patient. Forgiveness and patients are the signs of a good leader. Be firm when you must but forgive. You are the head of your house but that means giving up what you want for what is best for your family. A good leader inspires a poor leader lords over. Good luck and remember you are a man, which means you remain patient and controlled above all else.

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