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[–] WhiteRonin 0 points 3 points (+3|-0) ago 

@le_squish asked all the questions so it's hard to make any comment without background.

All I can think k of is you did something(s) or didn't do something(s) and she lost respect for you and felt she had to take charge. Humans and dogs have a pack mentality, if your dog is out of control or the opposite it's so scared of you and obeys -- you are doing it wrong.

I'm gonna venture out that you need marriage counseling, a good lawyer or find some very good alcohol. But before jumping the gun, have a sit down chat and lay it out how you feel when she ignores you and ask her why she feels the need to do it. If you feel an argument is gonna hapoen, tell her thanks for her time and walk out of the room. If she berates you tell her you didn't want to anger her or start a fight and that you aren't gonna participate in one. Let her cool down and try to address what just happened. If rinse and repeat keeps occuring g without progress, the first 3 options now apply.

I'm on my second marriage and have never been happier in my life. But that is because I learned what a pack leader is the hard way.

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[–] Scruffy_Nerfherder [S] 0 points 1 point (+1|-0) ago 

I finally got a chance to reply without her standing over me. LOL, it's not like she snoops or anything but it's a little hard to write stuff down about a person that is sitting right next to you.

[–] [deleted] 0 points 1 point (+1|-0) ago 

[Deleted]

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[–] Scruffy_Nerfherder [S] ago 

LOL, there is enough dread to go round right now. I read a bit about that and that might have been the ticket, to actually work out and get in shape. That might be my plan to reassert myself, just be a better me. I got a ways to go.

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[–] BoraxTheFungarian 0 points 1 point (+1|-0) ago 

You are to take care of you wife. If you're not doing that, she gonna be defiant. If you can't think of yourselves together as an unstoppable revel force, you need to rethink your dynamic. Did she get on the SJW train or what? My approach would be to say, "What the fuck am I doing so wrong that you won't listen to me?" If you get an answer, listen VERY carefully. Then act like you have a solution.

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[–] Scruffy_Nerfherder [S] ago 

Starting out I was in every conceivable way. That wasn't doing it. It is a protracted problem.

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[–] PM_ME_YOUR_BOOBS2 0 points 3 points (+3|-0) ago 

Serious answer, be patient. If you are to be the leader then you have to be wise and patient. Forgiveness and patients are the signs of a good leader. Be firm when you must but forgive. You are the head of your house but that means giving up what you want for what is best for your family. A good leader inspires a poor leader lords over. Good luck and remember you are a man, which means you remain patient and controlled above all else.

[–] [deleted] 0 points 5 points (+5|-0) ago  (edited ago)

[Deleted]

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[–] Scruffy_Nerfherder [S] ago 

We are finally at the point we can talk about it, I have a way to go before I can take the wheel again. This shit broke me, now she has the reigns. I think that when I get better there will be a little more understanding.

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[–] Le_Squish 0 points 9 points (+9|-0) ago 

Need more imput.

  1. When was the habit of not listening to you established? Did she never listen to you but you just now noticed?

  2. Have you established yourself as an involved leader and role model of the family? How often in the past have questions she has possed to you been answered with I dunno or do what you want?

  3. Are you reliable and do you consistently follow thru with things you need to do? How many times do you need to be asked to do a chore or errand? Does she feel the need to scd you like a child?

  4. Have you failed to defend her or have been doing things that diminish your masculinity in her eyes?

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[–] Scruffy_Nerfherder [S] 0 points 1 point (+1|-0) ago 

First off she did have really crap parents out of that came a lot of defiance toward authority - any authority. Not in an uppity 'black girl' way, but more passive aggressive. Also we have been married for 22 years, dated for 2 so that is 24 years together as a couple. It wasn't a good marriage until about 2 years ago, before then it was varying degrees of livable. I told her right off the bat (when I was young and naive, and expected reason and accountability) that I could fight the world all day long, but I couldn't fight her AND the world, she had to be on my team. Well 20 years latter that shit just broke me, hell 15 years in I had just given up and pretty much abandoned trying to exert authority and leadership in any sphere where she had influence; kids, house, chores, friends ETC. NOW I want to make things right but I am unsure how to proceed so with that background info, I will answer your questions.

1) Right away. I called my wedding ring the 'magical ring of transformation' because everything that we had talked about and planned went right out the window the instant we got home from the honeymoon.

2) I have tried but have not succeeded.House cleaning was always the biggest bone of contention - I got to the point that I would throw the kids toys away. I actually threw their christmas gifts away one year because I couldn't take the mess. Watching your children crawl through piled up garbage on the floor is awful. I actually tried to do chores at one point juggling the laundry for 7 people, emptying the dishwasher, and doing the grocery shopping all while working 43 - 50 hours a week and doing the other 'manly' stuff like mowing the lawn. I thought if I could help her get a dent in the mess she would take over - nope. That was about 6 years ago and I just flat gave up after that to the point I wouldn't even fix anything around the house.

3) ^^Kind of answered above. I'll go to the store and do most of the shopping.

4) Defend her -- I thought I had. I was always very protective of her and couldn't wait to get her out from under her parents. We moved away in the first year of our marriage it took a long time to fully break their influence. I was naive and thought eventually they would come around and want a relationship on a more equal footing, I was wrong. They are all dead minus her Mother which is the source of the cancer. They no longer talk. Anyway I recently sent her mother a facebook message saying what a worthless piece of shit she was. We aren't friends on FB so even though she got the message, she will never see it. You have to hunt for messages sent to you by people you aren't friends with. None the less, my wife was really grateful that I had sent that. I thought that I was being protective and giving her space and encouragement to work out her issues, maybe she didn't see it that way.

So, that's it in a nutshell.

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[–] Le_Squish 0 points 2 points (+2|-0) ago 

You guys have had a long time to establish bad habits. Seems like there was no checks and balances between you two so small problems that could have been overcome in the past are now stains and sources of bitterness.

First things first, you have to talked to her to see if she wants to save the relationship. In her mind, she may have demoted you to roommate or manchild and is just hanging around because of co-dependency. No matter how you feel, relationships require all parties to participate and there is no path forward without her willingness to try.

If she's on board to start working on the marriage. Get a counselor and specifically work on building trust. She doesn't trust your leadership and that is why she resist. Just like you don't trust her to keep the household running smoothly.

At the root of is that both of you are passive and there was a lot of accommodating when there were valid reasons to be making a fuss, starting an argument and correcting behavior.

I'm pretty sure that if you can reestablish trust, your wife will happy defer to you.

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[–] 8145098? 0 points 3 points (+3|-0) ago 

Gah, that sucks. Your wife sounds a lot like my brother's.

My husband and I had a power struggle several years ago and it was brutal. We went to counseling and not sure if it helped that much but what it did do was taught us to be more introspective. I learned that I had to stop trying to change him and look inward and what I found wasn't awesome.

I realized that I was looking to him to make the relationship work and wasn't putting forth my best effort. I acknowledged that my casual wine drinking had become problematic, resulting in a seriously bad attitude. My approach was to work on myself and stop focusing on his problems. Went to AA and got a sponsor and worked the steps and that was when our marriage started to improve significantly.

Guess what I want to know is whether either or both of you have been drinking, or not?

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[–] 8141130? 0 points 3 points (+3|-0) ago 

What is she not listening to you about specifically? Is she just being defiant in general or is it one particular thing?

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[–] Scruffy_Nerfherder [S] 0 points 1 point (+1|-0) ago 

I posted another more detailed message on another comment, but the short answer is everything. To the point that she would ask my opinion about something a or b, and if I said a, she would choose b. Every time. We have gotten that straightened out and now she only asks my opinion if she is really looking for it and we reason through choices better, but it started out as not listening to me about anything and only got worse from there - if such a thing were possible.

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[–] con77 3 points -3 points (+0|-3) ago 

dump her

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[–] Scruffy_Nerfherder [S] 0 points 2 points (+2|-0) ago 

Thought about it many times, but I have 5 kids. It would be more pleasant to stick my dick in a meat grinder.

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[–] con77 ago 

5? you made your bed pal

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